Claw Marks

I loaded the car with several heavy super force-flex trash bags. They were each packed with a variety of clothing I had been sorting for days.   Some things were too big for me to wear since losing weight.  They were the easy decisions.  I argued with myself over most of the other items.

I held up a T shirt I had never worn.  I bought it two years ago at an event.

“You really need to keep this one.  That was from a great hockey game for the fireman.”  I barely remember the game and only remembered which county the firemen were from because the T-shirt had it printed on the back.

“But the T-shirt is white and not very pretty.  You only bought it because you always buy T-shirts at events.  You haven’t worn it because you don’t really like it. ”  The logical side of my mind took a turn at the argument.

This discussion took place many times.  I would struggle as I placed each item of clothing in the bag. I had some other miscellaneous items from the house I went through as well, each with a new argument.  These were my things.  I like my things. I didn’t want to give up my things.  But, I am moving soon and won’t have the space to keep all of it.

I have made the trip to Goodwill many times over the years, but this trip with those big bags in the car was different.  As I got closer to the store, I could feel the tears building.  I wanted to fight them back, but they seemed to break the imaginary barrier I had in place.  I knew this was only the beginning of letting go.

I am letting go of  a marriage than isn’t working and is taking my peace and serenity. It means letting go of a lot of comforts and “things’.  I will be moving from a three bedroom house into a bedroom.  I have to decide what is really important and what I can let go.

I recently let go of a job that did not work in my life any longer.   It meant letting go of work friends, networking, and parts of a twelve year career that I loved.  I fought to hold on for a long time.  Once I left, I knew it was the right decision.

As I unload the bags and drove away from the Goodwill, I fought back the tears one more time.  I am sure I won’t miss most of the clothing and items I left there that day.  I am trying to understand that I am making the choice to let go and not feel as if these things are being taken from me.

I read the quote from the picture today.  “Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks on it.”   I smiled because I understood that statement so well.  I have gone so far as to hold on and go back to sharpen my claws for a better hold.  Once I truly let go I wonder why I  fought so hard to hold on to something that no longer served me.

I am going to try letting go with my hands and arms wide open for the next few weeks.  I am going to trust that letting go means opening the way for new things to fill those spaces.  I am sure there will be still be a sense of loss and some grieving, but I know that will be eventually bring healing.  If you should see me  with my claws out,  please remind me to pull them in and let go.

 

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3 responses

  1. Oh, Cathy. I am no expert, but yeah. Letting go SUCKS. I wish I could offer some sage, helpful advice. Does it help at all just acknowledging that what you’re going through sounds really, REALLY HARD, and I admire how incredibly brave you are in forging through this challenge? I’m thinking of you, and sending wishes for continued strength and better days ahead!

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  2. Sometimes, I think it is hard because we start understanding that once you really start letting go, it continues on to other things, then more things, then more things. I love what you are writing!

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  3. You are so brave and strong, Cathy. Thank you for sharing your journey.

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