It’s a Secret

I have a secret to tell you. It will come as a surprise to most of you, although a few who know me will have discovered it.  Shhh, please don’t tell anyone.  I work very hard to keep it hidden from the world.  In spite of appearing strong, it is a source of weakness. I have fought a battle or two in my life and once the enemy found the place of vulnerability, I nearly didn’t survive.

Everyone has a bit of insecurity in life, but I have abundance.   Yes, I am insecure.  It has been part of life since I was very young. It’s something I have worked to change.   I hear the questions before you ask them.

I have a job that requires talking to people one on one, speaking to large groups of people, and teaching.  I work with people in poverty and those in crisis.  I also work with CEO’s from top companies in our community.  I am well-known and respected in my profession.   Being insecure means that I question everything I say and do in my work.  I imagine people talking about my ridiculous comments.  I am sure people are asking why they chose me to make that presentation. I write and rewrite emails and letters, etc.  I am convinced that in time people will realize I am not smart enough to do this job.  If I make a mistake, it is because I am just not good enough.

I have many people in my life.  Only a few really know me.  The rest know the actress.  She is the one that smiles, makes jokes, never speaks her mind, agree with everything you say, lets people push her around, and is just the perfect good girl for the world.   If she sends you an email and you don’t answer right away, she is sure you are mad at her. If you are in a bad mood, it is surely her fault.  She is a people pleaser.   She keeps you from knowing the real me.

There are many reasons for my insecurity.  I shared them in other blogs.  I wasn’t born insecure.  People in my life took away my security.  I will share one more secret with you.  Those few people who really know me; they are the ones helping me find it again.  Things are changing.  I am exchanging the lies others told me for truth.  I am being more courageous in letting others see me. I am speaking (or blogging) my mind.   I am learning to stand up for myself and others. I even believe that God loves me because I am uniquely me.

Once that happens some of you may not like me quite as much.  Then again, the person you liked didn’t really exist, did she?

“We begin to find and become ourselves when we notice how we are already found, already truly, entirely, wildly, messily, marvelously who we were born to be.”
Anne Lamott
read to be read at yeahwrite.me

50 responses

  1. Thank you for sharing your secret with us. One that so many of us share with you.

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  2. Once that happens you may find a whole slew of new people who like you even more!!

    I love the paragraph that begins “there are many reasons” – especially the visual that you are exchanging the lies for the truth – I picture you at the counter at the GAP saying “I don’t want this, it doesn’t fit me anymore”

    Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Love the image at the GAP. Lol. Thanks for that

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  3. It seems that your secret is my secret, too. Keep the people who are helping you rebuild in your life — everyone needs unconditional support. Some day, we’ll look back at that secret as it becomes something kept in our past…

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    1. I am excited to move these secrets to the past. I am working on it for sure.

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  4. To notice ourselves and our thoughts is when we can become the realized person we already are 🙂 I love you and ALL your secrets! I love your ability to see yourself in a kind and loving way, How sweet it is when you share!! Thanks again 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much.

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  5. Your post just made me recognize what I should have posted about this week. I’m not going say what it was. It will have to wait for another day. Thanks for sharing your secret.

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    1. Can’t wait to see what you will post!

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  6. you know what happens when you finally share that secret? You realize that we all have them – and that some of us even can relate to exactly the same thing. What’s even better is that in the telling, you have removed some of the power that the secret holds, and show your fearlessness. Fearless because you faced it, named it, and manage despite it being there.

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    1. Yes. Many have shared with me and I realize many others share the secret. Thanks for your reply

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  7. we all share this secret, thank you for your sharing….you inspire us to see our light as we see yours

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  8. I loved this line: Once that happens some of you may not like me quite as much. Then again, the person you liked didn’t really exist, did she? I can really relate, I am currently going through this journey. Thank you for your words. You’ve helped me (and no doubt others) so much.

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    1. Thanks Cat. It has helped me to know others feel this way.

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  9. Oh my goodness. I think you may be inside my head. I applaud your courageousness in sharing your (mine too) secret.

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    1. Seems I told a secret that quite a few relate too. Helps to know I am not alone

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  10. I get this. I live this too. But Im a lot less outgoing then you, my acting a lot less polished and so I dont get away with it as much. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. I had to learn to survive as a child and teen. It has served me well as an adult.

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  11. I think this feeling is familiar to most of us–especially women. We always feel like imposters and that someone is going to figure out we’re imposting. It’s crazy. Why can’t we just own our talents? I think it is akin to people who are sane often wonder if they’re sane, while those who are insane never question their sanity. I once rewrote a speech for a global VP of marketing for a very famous company. He was the most moronic man I ever met, and yet thought he was the shizz. I bet he never questions his talent, or rather lack of talent.

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    1. I love your description of people who are sane. Thanks for sharing that.

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  12. Great post. I, for one, can definitely relate, as I’m sure many others can as well.

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    1. Thanks. I have heard from a lot of people today that relate to this. Nice to realize I am not alone

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  13. Huh…you TOO?? 😉

    I think one of the most powerful things I ever learned is that even though my security was taken from me, I can give it back to myself. And I am the ONLY one who can do it. Of course, it doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t happen completely. It’s a practice and it takes time…and the understanding that I will never be perfect at it.

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    1. Yes surprise. Me too. I have also noticed that as I shed my wall of weight I am discovering new things all the time. Practice practice practice.

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  14. I completely relate to your post…and the place you are on your journey. I’m not through yet, and I definitely have hidden myself from most people I know. And yet, I also realize that the ‘actress’ is a part of me too, and has helped me at times just to get through. Just as you should not deny the part of you that is afraid to reveal itself, you shouldn’t assume that your ‘cover’ is fake. And all of you is worthy, all of you is wonderful…

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    1. Thank you so much for those comments. Yes I need to remember that all of me is what makes me the person I am.

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  15. You speak for a lot of women. Thanks for sharing the secret and I LOVE that Anne Lamott quote.

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    1. I quote Anne Lamott a lot. Thanks for the comment

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  16. Are we the same person? You articulated what so many women feel and you did it beautifully!

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    1. I have been surprised at how many people have shared feeling this way. Thanks for commenting

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  17. Being liked isn’t everything. Being yourself, is 🙂 The rebuilt self is stronger than what once was.

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  18. I have had to work very hard to not read into things that people do. I have to constantly remind myself that people are just living their lives, and that everything they do is not directed at me.

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    1. Yes, I have to remember that as well. As much as I want to make it so..It is NOT all about me. 🙂

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  19. In some ways this could be me – but I’ve found that you have to be yourself to be happy. Those who really care when love and take you as you are.

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  20. I suspect, having only just met you in the last two weeks through Yeah Write, that I’ll like the real you extremely well.

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    1. Thank you. I wish we could have a big blogger party in all our hometowns. LOL

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  21. Wonderful!

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  22. Great post, my friend.

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  23. Cathy, I’d like to give you 2 blogger awards. If you’d like to accept, come to my blog and get the instructions there.

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  24. Insecurities a beast that’s hard to trap. Good luck on the hunt. I’m never sure what tools to bring with.

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  25. Great post!! I could identify with so many things you wrote. I’ve said so many times that I feel like it’s only a matter of time figures out the real me…

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    1. It is OK..we won’t tell anyone.

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  26. I love that final quote. I so relate to this post. Thanks for sharing.

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  27. Thank you for sharing your secret! I am SO happy that you are working on building yourself up. You deserve it!

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  28. You speak for many of us, as others have said. It’s a tough road. I love the title of your post and the hushed, whispering way you told your story.

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  29. Yep, this. I think so many of us have felt at some point in our lives that we will be “found out” for being frauds, that it’s all been a big mistake that we’ve been given these jobs, titles, responsibilities. My guess – you are kickass at what you do. 🙂

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    1. Thanks so much. I appreciate it.

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  30. Thank you for swinging by and liking my post. I look forward to reading more of your blog. It sounds like you have a lot of interesting things to say. I, too, have many insecurities that I’m working hard to change. Keep at it.

    I love that quote by the way. 🙂

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    1. Thanks I look forward to reading more of your blog.

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