Do You Believe In Monsters?

Jerry Sandusky the monster is held accountable and his sex abuse victims are heroes for testifying.  

This was the headline I saw as I opened the internet this morning.  If you were on facebook last night you couldn’t miss the news spreading across the posts. People shared anger, pain, applauded the jury,  congratulated the victims for their courage,  and felt that justice had been served.  What you didn’t see where the people who cried out in disbelief.  They do exist and they will raise their voice.

They don’t believe a child would  remain quiet about something this horrendous.  They don’t believe in repressed memories.  They will tell you that one or two children misconstrued acts of caring and support for something more.  You might hear these one or two children were getting even as adults because they didn’t get the scholarship or award they believe they deserved.  The rest just came along for the ride.  Why even his adopted son made up allegations.  He must have wanted a book deal. Two reporters clearly stated that it must not be true because the defense didn’t call him to testify.  He wasn’t called to testify for strategic reasons well stated by defense counsel.   But we need that little bit of doubt to be planted by reporters.

Do children lie about sexual or physical abuse?  Yes, they do it all the time when they say it NEVER happened.  In the testimony of one victim he told why he never came forward.  The chance to leave his little town and troubled home for afternoons hanging around the Penn State football program were enough, he testified.   “I thought, ‘I didn’t want to lose this. This is something good happening to me,’ ” he said.  Someone is going to use that statement as proof the child wasn’t traumatized or hurt by this encounter.  You have to understand the nature of predators.  They make the child feel special and important or they terrorized the child into believing it is their own fault this is happening.  If you tell something bad will happen.   Something bad does happen when you tell, whether as a child or as adult.

I wrote about feeling special and loved by my abuser in a blog post.  It was the most confusing thing to know in my soul that this thing that was happening was so wrong.  He said if I told we would both be in trouble and he would have to go away.  The darkness took over my being and I just want to hide or maybe die.  And yet, I was so desperate for someone to love me that I was afraid of losing this person.  When it happened at the hand of older teenage boys in my neighborhood, it was different.  But they used similar tactics.  They threatened to hurt me, my dog, my home, and told me we would all go to jail.    I never told.  I was thirty-five when I did tell my therapist.  I didn’t tell anyone else until years later. You see,  I was afraid that maybe I was the monster.

Today,  I tell my story here and to anyone that needs to hear to it.  I don’t wear it as a badge honor.  I don’t claim it as being who I am today.  I am not what happened to me, but it will always be a part of me.  I am going to use a cliché even though I hate them.  I am a survivor and thriver, not a victim.  I have found healing.  But if you ask me, I will tell you this.  I still believe in monsters.


13 responses

  1. It is hard for me to click the ‘like’ button, because this isn’t a post I like – it is one which underscores the pain and fear and unimaginable horror that no child should ever experience or try to understand. Yet it is written with your passion and your heart – and I appreciate both greatly…


    1. Thank you for your comments and understanding.


  2. Spot on, Cathy. Some people don’t want to believe, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Justice has been served (and will probably be served even more by other inmates once he’s in jail).


  3. It amazes me sometimes, you know, the unspoken connection we have in our friendship. We hadn’t talked about this at all before we blogged at our respective places. Yes, monsters exist. It’s a message we both know has to be heard, yet no one wants to talk about it.

    I’ve said it before, I’m saying it now, and I’m sure I’ll say it many times more in the future: I deeply respect your courage to claim and tell your story. Thank you.


  4. Thanks for sharing. I’m so glad you’ve been able to turn your tragedy into a way to help others. Blessings on you.


  5. You are so brave – for sharing, for encouraging others to share. I am so glad you are no longer carrying around the burden of that “secret.”

    You are also a lovely writer, and I look forward to more posts.


    1. Thank you Amy for reading and commenting.


  6. […] few days ago, I posted a blog Do You Believe in Monsters.  The next day I reposted a follow up blog written by my friend Jan at “simplyjan”.   The […]


  7. Thank you for your courage in sharing!


  8. I can’t begin to thank you for sharing and I can’t begin to say how close to home this feels. Amazingly strong. 🙂


    1. Thank you for that comment but sorry it has to feel close to home for you. 🙂


  9. I hear you girlfriend!. It’s amazing when the secret get “out” and you find out just how similar these bastards’ tactics are. You write so well.


  10. […] don’t know well, I can take care of myself.   I have written a little about my experiences here and here. During the class, I debated whether or not I should share anything, but I […]


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