I haven’t written a blog in a few days now. I did the Scavenger Hunt Photo blog but that isn’t quite the same as my typical blog posts. You see I am having a very hard time writing right now. There is something going on in my life that is affecting my self-esteem and confidence. I wish I could tell you more about it but I can’t today.
What I can tell you is that I feel disappointed, hurt, angry, betrayed, and scared. I am disappointed in people I trusted to be honest with me. I am angry they don’t seem to be willing to address the problem. Perhaps they hope I will just go to the corner, pout a bit, and then come back with my tail between my legs and be a good girl. I feel betrayed because I have expressed my concern and shared my questions, but no one is willing to deal with it. The one person I expected to have my back doesn’t want to rock the boat, so to speak. Scared—that is a big one. I could potentially lose something that is very important to me. I have already lost it the way I have known it for a very long time.
I apologize for sounding so James Bondish, but I can’t risk exposing this situation right now. A couple of people know the story and I am so very grateful for their support. The point truly isn’t the situation or the people involved. The challenge is how I am going to deal with this and take control of my life. For the moment, I seem to have given control to the story and the people involved.
I have tried to write something for the past couple of days and can’t seem to get words on paper (computer screen). I realize the power of self-esteem and confidence in my daily life, and now it has become clear they play a huge part in my ability to write. I have wrestled with these things with most of my life and I have worked hard to build them. I don’t want to let anyone or anything take that away from me. But, that is exactly what I am doing.
I am telling myself the things I was told and believed for so many years. In a blog I wrote recently I admitted that I was my own worst enemy. I am allowing people and a situation to control me. I have haven’t been eating properly the past few days, I haven’t been writing, I haven’t ……. No one can take my power from me unless I give it up. They can try. Life can be complicated and cruel at times. I have always known that. I have lived it and become the person I am today because of it. I have recently started reading posts from a new blogger friend, Jeremy James Bonner. In his post today, One Person, he says,
“Love yourself enough to allow yourself to be in an environment that allows you to grow, then you will attract that One person to take you to the next place. Re-frame the hurt and understand the blessing in it, because it has no place in your life where you are headed except as a place to firmly place your feet.”
I am not in a place where I can grow right now. In fact it is quite the opposite, I feel as though I am shrinking where I stand. I have been looking only at the pain and anger, not at the potential for learning and perhaps moving on. My friend was great at asking the question “what am I suppose to learn from this?”.
I want to tell you a secret. I have thought for a while that I am not where I need to be. I have felt that I need to take a leap of faith and move on. I obviously haven’t done that. Maybe “God is trying to tell me something” as Shug Avery and the choir sing in The Color Purple. Maybe I should take a leap of faith. But faith is a heart and soul thing. My mind gets in the way. Logic says don’t rock the boat-don’t cause problems-be the perfect little girl who keeps it all inside and never disrupts the norm.
I realized today that I need to make a decision. I need to use my mind and logic but I also need to follow my heart and soul. I have to remember that I am a strong, confident, smart, wise woman. That is my truth and no one can take that from me today. I have some of the most amazing friends and family that remind me I can do anything. And if perhaps I make the decision and fall flat on my face, those same people will be there with their hands out to help me up.
I am going to keep doing the things allow me to live the life I was meant to live. I will not stop writing, eating healthy, laughing with friends, taking karate (I officially became a Purple Belt tonight), and working on developing my conscious contact with God of my understanding. I decided to just start writing tonight and share whatever jumped from my mind to the keyboard. Thank you for being my blogging/writing support group and understanding how important the simple act of putting thoughts into words on computer screen can be.