Taking a Stand

I haven’t written a blog in a few days now.  I did the Scavenger Hunt Photo blog but that isn’t quite the same as my typical blog posts.  You see I am having a very hard time writing right now.  There is something going on in my life that is affecting my self-esteem and confidence. I wish I could tell you more about it but I can’t today.

What I can tell you is that I feel disappointed, hurt, angry, betrayed, and scared.  I am disappointed in people I trusted to be honest with me.  I am angry they don’t seem to be willing to address the problem.  Perhaps they hope I will just go to the corner, pout a bit, and then come back with my tail between my legs and be a good girl.  I feel betrayed because I have expressed my concern and shared my questions, but no one is willing to deal with it.  The one person I expected to have my back doesn’t want to rock the boat, so to speak.  Scared—that is a big one.  I could potentially lose something that is very important to me.  I have already lost it the way I have known it for a very long time.

I apologize for sounding so James Bondish, but I can’t risk exposing this situation right now.  A couple of people know the story and I am so very grateful for their support.  The point truly isn’t the situation or the people involved.  The challenge is how I am going to deal with this and take control of my life.  For the moment, I seem to have given control to the story and the people involved.

I have tried to write something for the past couple of days and can’t seem to get words on paper (computer screen).  I realize the power of self-esteem and confidence in my daily life, and now it has become clear they play a huge part in my ability to write.  I have wrestled with these things with most of my life and I have worked hard to build them.  I don’t want to let anyone or anything take that away from me.  But, that is exactly what I am doing.

I am telling myself the things I was told and  believed for so many years.   In a blog I wrote recently I admitted that I was my own worst enemy.  I am allowing people and a situation to control me.  I have haven’t been eating properly the past few days, I haven’t been writing, I haven’t …….  No one can take my power from me unless I give it up.  They can try.  Life can be complicated and cruel at times.  I have always known that.  I have lived it and become the person I am today because of it.  I have recently started reading posts from a new blogger friend, Jeremy James Bonner.  In his post today, One Person, he says,

 “Love yourself enough to allow yourself to be in an environment that allows you to grow, then you will attract that One person to take you to the next place. Re-frame the hurt and understand the blessing in it, because it has no place in your life where you are headed except as a place to firmly place your feet.”

I am not in a place where I can grow right now.  In fact it is quite the opposite, I feel as though I am shrinking where I stand. I have been looking only at the pain and anger, not at the potential for learning and perhaps moving on. My friend was great at asking the question “what am I suppose to learn from this?”.

I want to tell you a secret.  I have thought for a while that I am not where I need to be.  I have felt that I need to take a leap of faith and move on.  I obviously haven’t done that.  Maybe “God is trying to tell me something” as Shug Avery and the choir sing in The Color Purple.  Maybe I should take a leap of faith.  But faith is a heart and soul thing.  My mind gets in the way.  Logic says don’t rock the boat-don’t cause problems-be the perfect little girl who keeps it all inside and never disrupts the norm.

I realized today that I need to make a decision.  I need to use my mind and logic but I also need to follow my heart and soul.  I have to remember that I am a strong, confident, smart, wise woman.  That is my truth and no one can take that from me today.  I have some of the most amazing friends and family that remind me I can do anything.  And if perhaps I make the decision and fall flat on my face, those same people will be there with their hands out to help me up.

I am going to keep doing the things allow me to live the life I was meant to live. I will not stop writing, eating healthy, laughing with friends, taking karate (I officially became a Purple Belt tonight), and working on developing my conscious contact with God of my understanding.  I decided to just start writing tonight and share whatever jumped from my mind to the keyboard.   Thank you for being my blogging/writing support group and understanding how important the simple act of putting thoughts into words on computer screen can be.

read to be read at yeahwrite.me

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27 responses

  1. ((Hugs)) to you as you figure this out, Cathy. It’s hard to trust we know best, but deep down, we really do know what’s best for us. This situation might be testing you today, but tomorrow, a few days or even a year from now, you’ll look back on it and think, “Wow, that was a great learning experience.” It’ll be another notch in your (purple) belt. Congrats on the purple belt! 😀

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    1. Thanks S. I am ready to see that WOW moment.

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  2. You are indeed a strong, confident, smart, and wise woman – much stronger, more confident, much smarter, and much wiser than you give yourself credit for at times. Feel your feelings. Study your thoughts. Examine your heart. The answer – the right answer for you – will be there. Trust yourself, trust the timing, trust your friends, and trust God. Love ya, girl!

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    1. That is a whole lot of trust! But I have learned I can trust myself, and I am learning more all the time that I can trust God and I know I have some friends that I can trust. Love you too. Thank you for listening and NOT trying to fix me. 🙂

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  3. So you’ve taken a step backwards… So you know what comes next… two steps forward. Give yourself some space! It’s OKAY to have a less-than-perfect-moment or two. You’ve proved that you can go forward in leaps and bounds. Just keep going – it’ll all come good. If you feel that life is punishing at the moment, then at least you can give yourself credit and some rewards…!

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  4. Making big decisions myself right now ,and when I’m really still, I know what the right thing to do is. You just can’t let fear or doubt sneak in. Everything brings us to where we are supposed to be. All the best to you.
    “Leap and the net will appear”
    ― John Burroughs

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  5. Dearest Cathy, Look at the person you are now, then consider who you want to be and “how” you want to be. Now consider those that you allow the closest access to your life and to your heart. Now consider that you will never be more than the sum of those people that you surround yourself with. Does that bring you closer to or farther from the place you envisioned you wanted to be? People either increase you or decrease you, if they are not increasing you now, the chances are pretty good that they will decrease you later. Consider your own energy, is it being effected in a positive or negative way, is it being regenerated or depleted? These are all questions you can ask yourself, I don’t need to know your circumstances or even ask about them. Because it’s your damn pony, draw it and color it the way you see fit. Only you can answer these questions. You’ve been through worse than this and that experience and your own wisdom will be the strength you need to lead you to what you must do, to preserve you. If you feel stagnant, recognize it and change it, don’t be lulled into an emotional sense of familiarity and comfort. “Knowledge with chains is future wisdom without present understanding.” This is why hindsight is 20/20, it’s not necessary to wait that long, if you gain an accurate assessment and understanding of the present to guide you forward. Ponder these things without fear or insecurity or pride or doubt coloring your thought process. Remember that God speaks to us in layers upon layers of simplicity, which means he has probably been showing you whatever it is you need to know for awhile now. People make things shallow and complex. Seek the simple. How wonderful it is to have so many supportive people here that love you and support you… just for you!!

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  6. Ugh, sorry you’re going through a tough spot. I hope you figure everything out.

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    1. Thanks so much. Writing helps me figure this out.

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  7. What a powerful post! Sometimes we face a crossroad and we start doubting ourselves and doubting God. But when we pause, we hear the still small voice – you are more than a conqueror!

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    1. Thank you. That still small voice is powerful at times.

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  8. “I have to remember that I am a strong, confident, smart, wise woman. That is my truth and no one can take that from me today.” Amen. No one can take that away from you *ever*. Hope things turn around for you!

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    1. Thanks so much.

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  9. We all are faced with those hugh mountains to climb from time to time. But as you already know…God is there to help us, if only sometimes for support. You are one more awesome person…you can only go forward from here!

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    1. Thanks Janice.

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  10. Thank you for the inspiration Cathy!

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  11. […] you fellow blogger Cathy for inspiring me to write this. JJB on Facebook Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the […]

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  12. I have been struggling with some similar issues, and good for you for continuing to work through them. A particularly loved the comment about feeling like you were shrinking – that feeling was the signal for me several months ago that things needed to change. And they are. You have all my support as you decide what’s best for you.

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    1. Thank you so much. Glad things are working for you.

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  13. Cathy, You have got to see this painting by Gretchen Del Rio. You will love this!!! http://gretchendelrio.wordpress.com/2012/06/12/blood-sun/#comments

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  14. “Because it’s your damn pony, draw it and color it the way you see fit.” lol. Perfect.

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  15. If not rocking the boat, not taking this leap of faith, is affecting your self esteem, your sense of self…

    Well then, you need to rock the boat. I don’t know the situation and so I can’t give you any real worthwhile advice…except don’t settle. Don’t let someone dictate how you feel about yourself and your life.

    Stand up, and rock the boat…

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    1. Thanks Carrie. I will rock the boat.

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  16. Congratulations on your purple belt!
    I am sorry that everything seems so grim for you right now, and to be honest, I wish I could jump through the screen and hug you.
    I think it is a great idea to keep doing what you are doing with eating healthy and all of those other important things. I hope that a perfect solution to all of your troubles comes along quickly! I’ll be looking for an update!
    Dawn

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    1. Thanks Dawn. It is amazing what good friends and a keyboard will do to help change a situation. I will accept your virtual hug!!

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  17. Cathy, I think you are stronger and more confident that you give yourself credit for. I see your strength in these words. I see your self-awareness and your desire for change, and I believe you absolutely can make that change and make something amazing happen. Best of luck as you move forward…and leaps of faith can lead to many great things!

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    1. Thank you for those words. I am shooting for something amazing!

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