The Sky is Falling

Narrator:   Chicken Little was in the woods one day when an acorn fell on her head.  It scared her so much she trembled all over.  She shook so hard, half her feathers fell out.

Chicken Little:   “Help! Help!  The sky is falling!  I have to go tell the king!”

I have written about my Grandmother in previous posts.  Her ideas on religion and life in general would give even Freud cause to wonder.  I became her “child” through adoption at age four so her impact on my life was significant.  In fact, it has taken two amazing, determined therapists and many friends to allow me to move past her influence.   Yet, there lies trapped in my brain those tapes and fears that can be triggered without warning.  My rational mind understands the illogical fears that still haunt my “little girl” inside, yet the fears are real.

I have been fighting bronchitis since my Christmas gift of the flu.  One round of antibiotics and prednisone seemed to work but the bronchitis came back full force.  I am now on more antibiotics, double the prednisone, and breathing treatments/inhalers filled with albuterol.  They tell you to rest, yet the medications make sleep improbable if not impossible.  Last night I managed to fall asleep and stay asleep for four hours.  I woke at 3:00am and turned on the TV looking for something to lull me back to sleep.  The story of the Carnival cruise ship stuck at sea for several days captivated me.   I watched the passengers finally disembarking from the ship in Mobile, Alabama as the newscast played “Sweet Home, Alabama.”  Yes, it was corny, but effective.  It made me laugh.

Just as I got comfortable in my fortress of sheets and pillows, the scene switched to breaking news.  I saw what appeared to be a bright light go across the sky.  Perhaps there was a plane crash, I thought.  Then I heard the words, “meteorite hits Russia injuring more than 500 people.”  The picture looked just like something from the sci-fi movies that have become so popular.   I fumbled to find the remote and change the channel as quickly as I could only to find the pictures on the next channel as well.  I quickly turned off the TV and tried to lose the images from my mind.

My Grandmother’s stories of meteors hitting the earth and Russia being the center of all evil came crashing into my mind much like the meteor hitting the earth.   Her interpretation of the book of Revelations may leave Biblical scholars scratching their heads, but as a child, I only knew her words.   She warned of the moon turning red, stars falling from the sky, loud noises, and more as God destroys our evil world.   There was something in the story about good people disappearing into heaven before that, but I knew I was not good enough to be among them.

I decided to turn my mind to more productive thoughts.  Where the h*** were there those radar things?  I mean we watch planes on radar all the time.  We can see tornadoes, hurricanes, and even thunderstorms forming.   Was someone asleep at the big screen at NASA?   Don’t we have plans in place to blow up a bunch of rocks falling from the sky?  Or, I have I just watched Bruce Willis save the world in the movie Armageddon one too many times?  Luke Skywalker or Captain Kirk would be appalled to see this.

This morning I told my daughter about my middle of the night wake experience and before I could say more, she laughed and asked if I saw the meteor news.  She wanted to tell me about the “Left Behind” books and Moscow, and meteors, but I reminded her that I don’t like to talk about those things.    People who know me well know that I don’t like to hear, see, or talk about such things.  Maybe we are facing those end days talked about in Revelation; I don’t know.  I do know that today I can walk outside my house, look at the sky, and know that I have faith in a God who is in control.   I have a mortal body.  One day it will die.   I just hope it isn’t from a cataclysmic event like a meteor falling on me, however.

I have a friend who reads my blog and from time to time will tell me, “I can’t believe you shared that in your blog for everyone to read.”   There seems to be some fear that I may have a future employer reading my blog posts who will quickly file my application away and send off the polite “we will call you if we have anything” letter.  Perhaps some overly cautious suitor will check out my online profile and decide I am far too complicated to pursue. He would be right.   I am willing to take that risk and continue to share my stories.   Humor, sharing my stories, and prayer are the best weapons I have to fight those lingering fears…………. and stray meteors.

Back of A Tow Truck

There is a curse on the women in my family. My Grandmother told me about it, so it must be true. Every month she would remind me of the dreaded curse of the 11th. “Tomorrow is the 11th. Remember, anything can happen”, she would warn. Her belief was that on the 11th of every month something “big” happens. Occasionally it might be something good, but she made sure I knew that was a rare thing. These big things could be anything from someone dying to a natural disaster. My Grandmother also had some strange ideas about the “rapture” and was sure it would take place on the 11th.

I have come to understand that Grandmother had very unique ideas. Most of them were not based in reality or fact. Her ideas about God and religion were the most bizarre. My friend came up the term, GAG. It means “Gospel According to Grandmother.” If I mention one of Grandmother’s ideas, she will smile and say GAG. Even though I know these ideas are illogical and foolish, I still have those old tapes playing in my head.

Yesterday was January 11th. It was a beautiful day. My friend and I decided to go to lunch at one of our favorite restaurants near the beach. We also decided that since we would be so close to be the beach, it would be a shame not to go for a quick walk. We were minutes away from the beach when I stopped at a red light. I noticed that my car was unusually quiet. I realized the engine had shut off. I turned the key only to hear a whining and popping noise. The car would not start.

I did the usual thing. I waited a minute and tried it again. I did that a couple of times before looking at my friend and agreeing it wasn’t going to start without help. We were in the middle of a busy road and even though my flashers were on, cars came up behind me and started blowing their horns. Even the sound of angry horns did not make my car start. Soon a couple of kind men came and pushed the car to the side street for us.

I made the appropriate calls for emergency roadside assistance. The first rescuer came with jumper cables and attempted to start the car to no avail. He determined that I needed a tow truck. That was a determination I made long before he showed up. I made another call for a tow truck. They told me it would be close to an hour so we decided to walk across the street for some food. The tow truck showed up much sooner than we expected. We asked for our food in to go boxes. We found it very difficult to eat while riding in the cab in of the big tow truck. I imagine it was much like the early settlers riding in covered wagons with the rough ride, bumps, and wind blowing everything around. The truck was not one my friends would have on the “sexy” list. You can read more about that idea here.

 

I remember looking in the mirror and seeing my beautiful little car perched on the bed of the truck much like a sick person lying on a stretcher in an ambulance. I wish we could have ridden inside her but it seems the law doesn’t believe that is safe. As I looked at her, I heard my Grandmother’s words. “It is the 11th of the month. You should have expected something like this.” My mind started to wander.

 

I wondered if this was some message from the universe that I should go out, find a full time job, and give up this silly notion of going back to college. Every time I have thought about returning to school, life has happened. Was this going to be just one more time? I told my friend what was going on in my head. She helps me stay focused on logic and reality. I remembered her sermon last Sunday about life getting in the way when you are doing what you are supposed to do. Anne Lamott says, ““When God is going to do something wonderful, He or She always starts with a hardship; when God is going to do something amazing, He or She starts with an impossibility. ” ― Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith

 

My car is in the shop and I won’t know the exact extent of the repairs needed until then. The suspected diagnosis is a timing belt and water pump with the estimate somewhere around $1000. The dealership did give me a loaner car much to my delight. I looked at the car this morning and found that it is a Dodge Journey. When I saw the name Journey on the back of the car, I smiled and thanked God for reminding me that life really is just a journey. On this journey called life sometimes we walk, sometimes we run, sometimes we fall, and sometimes we ride on the back of a tow truck.

 

The Year The World Came To An End

There was no zombie apocalypse and I didn’t see one rouge asteroid penetrate earth’s atmosphere.   December 21 passed and the world as we know it survived intact.  Last December, I remember hearing the legend of the Mayan prediction of the end.   I jokingly said that if indeed the world would end in a year, I needed to make some serious changes in my life.  Little did I know I was making a prediction that would come true.

The first change I made after the New Year  was to go back to church-again.  I stopped going for several months and missed what I had found there.  Encouragement from the pastor and the warm welcome back by members made it easy to return.  After all when confronted with an end of the world scenario, prayer and faith seem the logical solution.

A lunch meeting with Jan early in year brought an unexpected new friendship.  Our schedules made finding a date a challenge.   We met  along with her daughter Anna and laughed our way through most of lunch.  We became fast friends.  A love of writing was one of many things we found in common.  I have written about this in several blog posts this year.  Jan and her family are now a second family for me and a gift from 2012 for which I am truly grateful.

My diet and exercise programs needed a serious boost.  I walked past the karate studio near my office many times and decided to finally check it out.  In February, I started training and I am now a blue belt.   I finally hit my goal of losing 100 pounds as the year went on.  If the world was going to end, I wanted to be healthy and strong enough to fight and make a run for it if possible.  After all, every end of the world movie has people survive who can run, jump, fight and look amazing doing it.

I love to write and wanted to find ways to improve.  I  decided to make a move from Blogger to WordPress for my blog and made it public.  I found some great challenges during the year and my blog followers and views  increased dramatically.  Connections with many new writers during the year were an added benefit.  I  attended a Writer’s workshop at Montreat in the spring and renewed my commitment to writing on a regular basis.   This fall my friend Jan and I went to Atlanta to see my favorite author Anne Lamott.  She offers great advice and encouragement for writers.

Things at home (my marriage) had been declining for some time but I made the decision to stay and do what I could.  My job was stressful but I loved my work.   Friends, family,  and writing kept me going.  However, things changed quickly in the summer.   The job I loved fell apart and I made one of the most difficult decisions I have had to make in a very long time.  After much prayer, talking with my therapist and consulting close friends, I choose to leave my job without another job in site.  I know in my heart it was the right decision.   Within weeks of leaving my job, I made another hard choice.  I left my marriage of five years.

While the world didn’t end in December, the world as I knew it ended in 2012.  2013 is a mystery.  I registered for college and will sign up for my classes on Jan. 10^th.  I have no idea how that is going to work.  I am 61 and haven’t been in school for over 40 years.  I need to find a way to support myself and get health insurance without working full time and going to school.  I work only 17 hours a week and pay almost my entire income to cover COBRA for health insurance.   I fight the demons of feeling alone at times and feeling like a failure at others.  I know there are people in my world who think I have taken a walk into insanity.  There are moments when I feel very lost and unsure of what is happening.   Some days I wake up, get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other, and see where life leads me.

Yet, for the most part, I feel happy.  I have a sense that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  I have two amazing grown children who encourage me and support me.   Jan and Anna make me laugh, let me cry, push me, and just let me be me.  I have other friends who believe in me as well.   And, in the middle of all of this, I pray and I trust God.

A blog challenge for 2013 is find one word to focus on through the coming year and incorporate that into your writing.  I have several words that seem appropriate but the one word that keeps coming through is trust. It isn’t something that comes naturally for me.  I learned a tremendous amount about trust in 2012; some of it bad and much of it good.  I am going to embrace the challenge and put trust into my daily life- trust in God, my friends, my family and in myself.   I survived end of the world in 2012 so welcome 2013. Let’s see what you have in store!

Happy New Year!!

Something I Have To Share

I reach out my hands because I have been there.

I haven’t written a blog post since last week.   I started writing several times only to discard it.  No words seemed right after the events of last week.    I will say that my heart breaks for the families, friends, and community of Newtown.    I decided to wait until closer to Christmas and share some of the joys of the season and to share the lessons and treasures of this past year.

However, something happened today that made me change my mind.  This afternoon I saw a facebook message from a friend offering her prayers and condolences to the mother of a 15-year-old young man.  As I read the posts of the past day, I realized the young man was only a couple of weeks older than my grandson.  I didn’t know him but he was part of the group of boys that grew up in scouting in our community.  I looked at his picture as I read the words from his mother, “The autopsy reports it was an apparent suicide by hanging.  No one noticed any signs of depression.  It was such a shock to us all.”

I am writing this post because I was once in a place of such darkness, pain, anger, fear, and loneliness that I tried to take my life.  I was helpless and hopeless.   I couldn’t see a way that my life would ever be anything different.  When you are that depressed the world disappears and makes no sense.  It is if you are in a bubble and no one can see you or hear you.

I made one last phone call that night to a friend.

She said, “I can’t do this.  I can’t go down this road with you anymore.  I love you, but I will not go any further with you unless you get help.”

She gave me the phone number to the crisis hotline and begged me to call them.  The one person I thought would care turned her back on me.   After taking more pills and downing another half bottle of Southern Comfort, I picked up the phone and called.   The woman on the phone that night saved my life.

Things didn’t get better overnight.  I became part of a twelve step program.  I got therapy.  I eventually started on medication.  I learned to let people into my life and talk when I was angry, scared or lonely.  I made a mess of things from time to time, but I learned how to clean up my messes and not make the same mistakes again.

That was almost 26 years ago.  Life still has ups and downs.  Life still gets messy from time to time.  Life still hurts more that I can bear sometimes, but I know what to do.  I have repaired relationships with family and have better relationships than I ever imagined possible.  I have friends that I love and cherish.  I have support any time I need it.  Oh, that friend who “turned her back on me” that night is still my friend and I thank her from time to time for the gift she gave me.

If you are reading this and you have thoughts of suicide or you struggle with depression, anxiety, loneliness, etc.(or you know someone who does)  PLEASE reach out to someone.  I know it is hard.  I understand it is one of the most difficult things in the world to do.  I realize the phone weights two tons when you think of calling someone.  I know that you believe in your heart and soul that no one will care or understand.

Just hear me when I tell you that there is hope.  Even if you don’t believe me, do it anyway.    There is help.  Call a family member; Call a friend; Call your pastor or member from whatever faith group works for you; Call a doctor or therapist;  or

Call the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine  1-800-273-TALK(8255)  They also have chat available.  Veterans call and press #1                                          http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Call Kristen Brooks Hope Center   (800)442-4673 …..1-800-442-HOPE    http://www.hopeline.com/

Online Chat support from To Write Love on Her Arms…   www.IMALIVE.org   The first online network with 100% of its volunteers trained and certified in crisis intervention.

The truth is, just talking to someone, explaining, sharing, venting, being listened to, can often give you a temporary reprieve.  Talking to someone can temporarily change your perspective – Human contact changes the brain chemistry & opens that emotion “pod” of pent up emotions for temporary relief – and it may not be what they say, but just the exchange of emotions like empathy, compassion, & concern.

Will they cure you – no.  Will they take the pain away? Maybe ease it for a little while.

Even if you know you may be upset or suicidal again soon, just give it a try.

Even though non-depressive humans won’t really know exactly how you feel — Let them try to help the best they can.   Talk to them, let them listen.  Most of them are not even getting paid. The only reason they are there is for you.  They may not always say the exact right thing, but they are hoping that somehow they can help you make it through a difficult time, to live & fight another day.    

Taken from  http://suicide.com/suicidecrisiscenter/whycall.html

A Grown Up Christmas List

The title of this post came from a song by Amy Grant. She wishes for a world where hearts would heal, lives wouldn’t be torn apart, there would be no wars, and everyone would have a friend. These are wishes that could be agreed upon by most of us. They may seem idealistic and too profound for what is a time of festivities, shopping, wonderful lights and decorations, and gifts. Christmas is a time for music that makes us laugh like “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” or “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas”. It is a season of gathering family or friends together and sharing meals, laughter, and family traditions. Many of us take time to remember those who are in need at this time of year by serving at a shelter or buying gifts for an Angel Tree.

For many years I worked on our local Hotline phones and heard many people share things they didn’t want to talk about with family or friends. They felt out of place and alone for being sad or lonely. They missed people who were gone from their lives. They shared their family traditions that often included fighting, abuse, and alcohol and drugs. Some struggled with mental illness that became worse during this time of year.

I empathized with these callers. The holidays are times of very mixed emotions for me as they are for others. I am enjoying Christmas this year. I wanted the music to start even before Thanksgiving much to the dismay of my family and friends. I have had a wonderful time finding gifts and shopping at midnight sales. Sharing this season with the children in my life makes it even more exciting. My grandson asks if every package that comes to the house is his. Almost everyday my friend’s son asks if I know how many more days it is until Christmas.

But I also struggle with old memories. Sounds and smells at this time of year trigger things I don’t want intruding into my mind. Memories of my best friend, my mother, and others who have passed away are strong. They sometimes bring joy and smiles while tears and heartache come as well. I also deal with mental health issues that often peak during this time of year.

News this week of the death of a young mother who overdosed with alcohol and prescription drugs was a grave reminder of the disease of addiction I shared with her. Yesterday the news of a dear friend who is dealing with a devastating life situation and had to be hospitalized for depression and suicidal thoughts broke my heart. I have been in the place where his heart and soul are right now. Tonight I learned of the death of another woman who lost her battle with addictions.

Amy’s grown up Christmas list may seem altruistic for a time of year that has become more about shopping and fighting over what greeting is important. Christmas is time for celebrating the birth of Jesus. I think He would find wishes for a “world where hearts would heal, lives wouldn’t be torn apart, there would be no wars, and everyone would have a friend” an amazing way to celebrate his birth.

Yes, I am going to wrap Christmas presents and spend time with family and friends sharing laughter and fun. I am going to sing Christmas music, watch Elf, The Christmas Story, Polar Express, and go to parties. I will go to my church and worship and remember the birth of Jesus. I can’t make all the wishes on that grown up Christmas come true, but I can remember those who might need an extra smile or some moments of grace this year. I believe I will turn that list into my prayer for this holiday season and the coming year.

Perplexed and Bewildered

It is no secret that I am a huge Anne Lamott fan.  I also enjoy Donald Miller and Laura Winner.  They all write from a place of honesty and humor that isn’t always appreciated by everyone.  I just came back from Atlanta, Ga where Anne Lamott spoke to a full house.  We were able to buy her new book “Help, Thanks, Wow”  that was released just two weeks ago.  NPR interviewed her about her new book for a Thanksgiving spot.

In searching for some information on the new book, I came across a blog post about Anne,her new book, and the NPR interview.  I understand that not everyone is going to agree with her writing.  I fully appreciate that not everyone agrees with me.  The blog post itself was simply a review of the NPR interview Anne did for Thanksgiving.

What blew me away were the over 100 comments.  People were bashing Anne Lamott, denominations, and each other. They were hostile and mean all in the name of defending their own view of Christianity.  They even started insulting each others grammar.  Here are just a few comments shared between “Christian” brothers and sisters: (I am leaving the spelling and grammatical errors in tact)

1. “As long as you are openly gay (like colm Toibin) or supportive of homosexual marriage (like Anne Lamott) then you get your books promoted on NPR. It’s an AGENDA, people.”

2. “What a simplistic and very scripturally wrong view of God”.

3. “With all the incredible writing on prayer in just the Christian tradition alone, NPR puts on this vapid piece of crap.”

4. “Wow, reading the comments below, it’s apparent that some do worship two things: smugness and condescension!”

5. “So, Ms. Lamott is an alcoholic who managed to stop drinking. I send her my heartiest congratulations for that. But because of that she is now an expert on “essential” prayers for all the rest of us? If I wanted to listen to blowhards who pass off their ignorant opinions as facts, I’d watch Fox News and listen to Rush Limbaugh.”

6. ‘In your introduction, you presented Lamott as a Christian; I heard little or no evidence of this in her description of prayer. What I heard was just another Northern California flake with an addictive personality who has figured out a way to make money off of it. Put this one in the cringe file!!!”

7. “White person wearing dread locks – why should I take her seriously?”

This is just a small sampling of comments.  No one escaped the onslaught including Catholics, Puritans, and Jews.  People attacked each other to prove their view of God, Jesus, prayer, and scripture was the right one.  Sadly, I see this type of behavior from Christians over many issues; some big and some small.  I am sure we are going to see name calling and hatred spewed because someone said Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas.   It would take volumes to discuss some of the really hot issues.

One of the last comments came from a non believer.  It simply said, “Thank Goodness I’m an atheist!!!”  Is this really how we hope to share God’s love and our relationship with Jesus with others?   It isn’t working.  Maybe we could try following  Paul’s advice to the Ephesians.

Ephesians 4:31-5:2     4: ³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. ³² Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.  5: ¹ Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children ² and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

This blog post is part of NaBloPoMo.  The theme for November’s NaBloPoMo is blogging for blogging’s sake.

It’s the Little Things

I woke up very early this morning while it was still dark.  I wasn’t sure what time it was so I picked up my phone to check.  It was 4:30am; way too early to be up on Thanksgiving day.  I started to put the phone down when I saw a friend request.  I decided I must check it out.  There was an interesting link to a website and I didn’t want to forget about it, so I had to check it out.  That took me to another link.  You get the idea?

I decided to stop and go back to sleep when a live message appeared from my 15 year old grandson.  This the short conversation:

Today 4:34am  Aj        Haha, y r u up at stupid o’clock

4:35am Cathy Morton    just woke up and was checking the time lol

4:36am Aj       ok, :p

4:37am Cathy Morton    Of course I saw something interesting and just had to check it out. Lol

4:38am Aj      Thts how the internet works  lol

4:38am Cathy Morton     So true. Should never look at phone for time. Are you on the road yet

4:39am Aj       yup

4:40am Cathy Morton    Love you Have a good time

4:42am Aj      Thx  luv u to

♥  It doesn’t seem like much, but I am filled with gratitude for the relationship I have with him.  It’s the little things, you know.

♥  An ecard text message from a friend.  It made me smile inside and out.

♥  Breakfast with family on Thanksgiving morning.

♥  Watching my two year old grandson laugh and “draw” with crayons.

♥  The dog of the house comes running to the door and greets me.  She can’t wait for me to sit down and jump in my lap.

♥  Sitting at a friend’s house with a cat at my side and one in my lap.

♥  Getting hugs from the older women at church on Sunday mornings.

♥  A hand drawn picture from a nine-year old little girl.

♥  An early morning text message from my childhood sister/friend.

♥  Christmas songs that make me laugh or shed a tiny teardrop.

♥  A walk on the beach in winter with friends.

♥  A friend’s baby boy who was born full term and healthy.

♥  Peanut butter M&M’s and Dairy Queen ChocoCherry Blizzards.

♥  Eating Mexican with friends.

♥  My college age friend who is encouraging me to go back to college.  She believes I can do it.

♥  The women who have come into my life  to teach me more about myself and life.

♥  All of the people who take time in their day to read my words.

♥  Knowing there are people in my life that love me just as I am.

It’s not about money, cars, big houses, power, or saving the world.  It really is the little things that mean the most to me this year.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

This blog post is part of NaBloPoMo.  The theme for November’s NaBloPoMo is blogging for blogging’s sake.

My Baby is Turning 40

Teddy as a baby.

How is that possible you ask?  I know-I don’t look a day over 40 myself.  I certainly don’t feel old enough to have a son turning 40 tomorrow.  It was devastating when I turned 40, but this seems even bigger.  His birthday gives me reason to stop and reflect.

I remember finding out I was pregnant.  I was 20 years old and had been married for 2 years.  My husband was very excited about having a new tax deduction.  I was excited and TERRIFIED!  I had no idea how to be a good mother.  I certainly had fine examples of what not to do.

I had a list of things I would never do.  I was not going to be like the people who raised me. I hesitated to call any of them parents.  I lived through abuse of every kind as a child, two sets of alcoholic parents, abandonment, fear, and almost always felt alone in the world.  I wanted to provide my children with love, encourage them to be individuals, support their hopes and dreams, and give them a safe and loving home.

I went to the library and read every book I could find on parenting.  I read about everything from breast-feeding to disciple.  I read about physical care and emotional well-being.  I even had to read about the birthing process.  The only thing I really knew was how to get pregnant.

My son was the most amazing baby.  He slept through the night at 6 weeks.  He wasn’t fussy or colicky. He was usually happy.  He said his first words at 6 months and could sing all of “Take Me Home Country Roads” at 18 months.   He would sneak away from me at the store and head to front desk area.  He would tell the clerk that his parents were missing and ask for candy while he waited for them to find us.  He was outgoing and everyone loved him.

When he was 4 years old, his little sister joined the family.  He has always loved his little sister.  He nick named her “Coochie.”  I have no idea how he decided on that name.  He loved to carry her around and dote on her.

Life didn’t turn out the way I planned.  The effects of my childhood, undiagnosed PTSD, anxiety disorders, and clinical depression took a toll.  My marriage was not a good one and that added to the problems.  I started drinking as a way of escape and trying to find a sense of normalcy.

My children never saw me drink nor saw me drunk.  I hid it well.  I started to make poor choices for my life.  At the end of my marriage I was sleeping on the couch.  My kids came to me and said that my daughter was moving into the room with my son (and his bunk beds) so I could have her room and sleep on a bed. It broke my heart.  I knew I had to make changes. However, I made the wrong changes.  I moved out of the house and tried to be a good mother living apart from them.

I don’t need to share all the details of that time, but my husband filed for divorce and asked for physical custody of the kids.  I was allowed to have them every other weekend and one night a week.  The pain was too much to bear and I used drinking more as a way to escape.  I made another bad choice to move to another state and try to start my life again.  You can run away but you always take yourself and your problems with you. Eventually I found my way into therapy and recovery.

The next years would be very difficult.  Living so far away from my children made healing the relationship a daily struggle.  My daughter did return to live with me but my son did not.  He was in high school and stayed to finish.  We would have highs and lows in our relationship over the next few years.   I know he felt abandoned just as I had so many  years before.

In 12 step programs of recovery, we are taught not to regret the past nor shut the door on it.   We are taught that our past made us who we are today.  My past created a path for my way to a relationship with God that I never had before. I understand those things in my head;  My heart is another story.  Tears still come from time to time when I remember the days of missing my children. I still carry shame and hurt from that time.

My son turns 40 tomorrow and I couldn’t ask for a better relationship with him. He is an amazing husband and father.  He has a strong faith and we share our thoughts and ideas about that. We are able to talk about the past with understanding. He has an amazing wife and is father two of my grandchildren.  They are both a joy in my life.

A few years ago, he gave me the best birthday present I could ever imagined.  He bought tickets for us to go to Charlotte, NC and see the Panthers and Redskins football game.  Of course, he was wearing his Panther’s blue shirt and I was wearing my Redskins’ burgundy and gold shirt.  We stayed overnight and enjoyed the time talking, laughing, and enjoying each other.

This summer we took a day trip to Charlotte to  see the movie premier of “Blue Like Jazz.”  The movie is based on a book by Donald Miller.  We both love the author and book.  These rare moments give us time to talk and continue to grow our relationship.

My son turns 40 tomorrow.  I still call him Teddy.  His big boy friends call him Ted.   I am his Mom and I am allowed to call him anything I want.  He is still that precious baby boy, inquisitive toddler, and bright/gifted little boy to me. He always will be.

Happy Birthday, Teddy!  I love you with all my heart.

Fried Cookie Dough Blessings

Matthew 25:35 English Standard Version (ESV)   35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me…

It was Senior Day at our regional fair today.  I have set up a table at this event for several years.  Non profit groups or other programs that serve seniors are allowed to share information about their services.  Seniors are allowed to attend the fair free or for a reduced price.

It is always an interesting day.  Seniors will pick up anything and everything that is free.  They will carry two or three bags provided by different groups and gather up items like squirrels storing away nuts for the winter.  They go home with pill containers, pens, health information, candy, calendars, and anything else with a group’s name imprinted on it.   I once left my person coffee mug on the table and someone took it.

I love talking to the many of the people.  They love to tell stories about life or grand-kids.  Many live at or below poverty level.  Some are disabled and accompanied by caretakers. As I get older I wonder which faces will someday be mine.  I wonder if I will be the lonely woman looking down at the ground as she walks or if I will be one of lovely older women with the purple hats smiling in the face of their declining years.

I leave my table and walk the fair grounds.  I watch a couple walking hand in hand.  It appears that those hands have been together over many years. Those hands now give comfort and support as they slowly make their way around the grounds. I hear grandparents talking the grandchildren they are now raising.  My heart goes out to them as I imagine the  pain and joy in that task.

I take advantage of the time and head to my favorite guilty pleasure-the fried cookie dough or fried Oreo cookies.  I deserve a sinful treat.  After all, I had worked all morning and it is the fair.  I decide on the fried cookie dough and bashfully place my order.  The man behind the counter says, “There is no charge for this today.  A gentleman was here a few minutes ago and bought something.  He left money and told me to pay for the next person who came to the booth.  It is your lucky day.  He just said to be sure to tell you to have a blessed day and pass it on.”

I was stunned.  I have read stories on facebook from time to time of people doing random acts like this, but honestly thought they were more urban legend than reality. I took my gift and walked to a spot in the sun to enjoy it.  It tasted even better than I imagined, perhaps because of the generosity of this individual.

I don’t believe Jesus was telling us to buy folks such delightful things as fried cookie dough.  I imagine He was telling us something more important.  It isn’t about the gift but the act of kindness.   I may have had a few moments of bliss while eating my fried cookie dough, but the spirit of that gift has been with me all day.  If something as trivial as a treat at the fair can bring me such a blessing, I wonder what it would mean to provide a meal for a family at Thanksgiving this year or take some food to senior center or homeless shelter?

I wonder what a smile or kind word would mean to someone who really needed one? I wonder what it would mean to an older person living out their last years alone in nursing home to have someone visit?  I wonder what it would mean to provide a gift to a child who won’t have any this Christmas?

I thought about the gentleman that gave a few dollars for my treat today.   I hope he knows that the simple fried cookie dough treat fed much more than my body today.  It lifted my spirit and made me smile.  It made think about how I might be able to share with someone else.   I hope he feels as blessed as I do.

Big Toothed, Wart Covered, Fire Breathing Monster

I am a writer. If you follow my blog you know most of my posts are about living in my world.  I have shared a couple of fiction posts here and here.  I have an overactive and creative  imagination.    It is a tremendous asset for writing but a curse in living life.  I have written about fear and worry in posts and made the mistake of sharing it on my facebook status from time to time.  In a recent facebook status update about fear, comments ranged from “Fear is from God” and Fear separates you from God.”   Those seem to be diametrically opposing statements, so  I will follow the sage advice of another comment, “Maybe the message is to make up your own mind, just saying.”

I was reading the devotional book, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young this morning.  She was talking about worry and anxiety.  She said that in time we become, “god of our fantasies.”   That statement sent my mind into a whirlwind of activity.  I knew exactly what she meant.  Instead of  looking at a life situation by accepting the facts as they are and then praying for strength and wisdom, I look at the situation and recreate it in an Alice in Wonderland kind of existence.  Let me give you an example.

I get a flat tire.  I pull off the road.   I can’t change the tire myself.  I am going to have to call someone.  What if no one if home or can’t come?  I could be sitting here for hours.  I am going to miss my appointment in any case.  I can’t afford a new tire and they will probably tell me I have to replace two of them or the car will be out of alignment.   The spare probably is one of those doughnut tires and I can’t drive long on that.  I won’t be able to get to work and will make everyone angry.  I will probably lose my job because of this.   What if someone comes along and tries to rob me while I am waiting for help ?  What if someone comes to help me and the doughnut tire is flat? I am sure a big toothed, wart covered, fire breathing monster will come and eat me.

That fantasy can keep going if I let it.  The fact is I have a road service plan that will come and change my tire or tow the car if necessary.  Yes,  I may have to buy a tire but many times it can be patched with little or no charge.   But I can’t think of those logical, rational solutions because I am fighting off monsters.

I am not exaggerating my fantasy fear life.  At least that is how it used to be.  I have learned a lot about letting go and trusting God.  No, God isn’t going to magically fix the tire, but prayer does help me chase the monster away and deal with the reality in front of me.   I am dealing with some difficult situations in my life and I occasionally find myself drifting into that fantasy thinking.   I share those thoughts with a trusted friend or family member.  I ask God to help me stay in today and not wander into the deep, dark, scary woods.  I remove myself as the god and creator of my fantasies.

I don’t plan on giving up creative and imaginative thinking.  I am a writer after all.  If you come across some villains or ferocious creatures in my stories, be assured they are not real.  When I come across challenges and fearful things in my life, no matter how real, I don’t have to turn them into monsters or evil beasts to be slayed.  I will remember that I am promised a “happily ever after ending” to my life; And that is not a fantasy.