There’s No Need To Hide

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I saw the headlines, “Pastor Rick Warren Asks for Prayer Following Son’s Suicide.”  I read the articles detailing the struggles of the 27 year old son who had battled depression most of his life.  I was grateful to see that Pastor Warren expressed such love and understanding of the tremendous battle this young man fought and finally lost. I read nothing of blame nor lack of faith.  Sadly, it is a common theme.  You can overcome depression or any other form of mental illness simply by prayer, self will, and choosing to be strong.  Some will go so far as to say that mental illness is the work of Satan taking over because your faith was not strong enough to fight.

I kept my own mental illness a secret for a very long time.  It was an example I learned at a young age.  We didn’t talk about my great grandmother’s “problem.”  They sent her to a state mental hospital and lied to everyone.  My grandmother felt that mental illness was a weakness.  Prayer and just the right amount of church services and tithing could fix it.    We never talked about my grandfather’s alcoholism to anyone.  Our Pastor was the only one that knew.  He came once a year to “talk” to my grandfather and pray for him.  He only did it because my grandmother insisted.  When I showed signs of depression and anxiety disorders as a child my grandmother became angry.  I learned quickly to hide and lie.  I found ways to cope that had to be unlearned as an adult.

I am grateful to two amazing therapists who helped me learn to manage my life and my illness. They both helped me find my way back to my faith.   I am grateful for the medications that keep me in balance.  I am grateful for friends and family that allow me to share my world with them.  I have bad days just like everyone else. No one in my circle of family and friends comes running in to ask if I am taking my meds or if I need to see my psychiatrist.  The amazing thing is that they would do that if they truly were concerned.  I talk about these things because there is no need to be ashamed.  Yet, many people still talk in hushed tones about mental illness.

I read a blog post today and I wanted to share a  part of it here.  Here is the link if you want to read it in full.  What Christians Need to Know  About Mental Health by Ann Voskamp

“There are some who take communion and anti-depressants and there are those  who think both are a crutch.

Come in close — I’d rather walk tall with a crutch than crawl around insisting like a proud and bloody fool that I didn’t need one.

I once heard a pastor tell the whole congregation that he had lived next to the loonie bin and I looked at the floor when everyone laughed and they didn’t know how I loved my mama. I looked to the floor when they laughed, when I wanted them to stand up and reach through the pain of the flames and say:

Our Bible says Jesus said, “It is not those who are healthy who need a doctor, but those who are sick.” Jesus came for the sick, not for the smug. Jesus came as doctor and He makes miracles happen through medicine and when the church isn’t for the suffering, then the Church isn’t for Christ.

I wanted them to say it all together, like one Body, for us to say it all together to each other because there’s not one of us who hasn’t lost something, who doesn’t fear something, who doesn’t ache with something. I wanted us to turn to the hurting, to each other, and promise it till we’re hoarse:

We won’t give you some cliche –  but something to cling to — and that will mean our hands.

We won’t give you some platitudes — but someplace for your pain — and that will mean our time.

We won’t give you some excuses — but we’ll be some example — and that will mean bending down and washing your wounds. Wounds that we don’t understand, wounds that keep festering, that don’t heal, that down right stink — wounds that can never make us turn away.

Because we are the Body of the Wounded Healer and we are the people who believe the impossible — that wounds can be openings to the beauty in us.

We’re the people who say: there’s no shame saying that your heart and head are broken because there’s a Doctor in the house. It’s the wisest and the bravest who cry for help when lost.

There’s no stigma in saying you’re sick because there’s a wounded Healer who uses nails to buy freedom and crosses to resurrect hope and medicine to make miracles.

There’s no guilt in mental illness because depression is a kind of cancer that attacks the mind. You don’t shame cancer, you treat cancer. You don’t treat those with hurting insides as less than. You get them the most treatment.

I wanted the brave to speak Truth and Love:

Shame is a bully and Grace is a shield.  You are safe here.

To write it on walls and arms and wounds:

No Shame.
No Fear.
No Hiding.
Always safe for the suffering here.

You can be different and you can struggle and you can wrestle and you can hurt and we will be here. Because a fallen world keeps falling apart and even though we the Body can’t make things turn out — we can turn up. Just keep turning up, showing up, looking up.”

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Life On Life’s Terms

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“Being sober isn’t just about not using. Being sober is about the joy a life of clarity and living by spiritual principles can bring. There is nothing greater than that. Forget drugs….. Forget everything. We are living to experience the undiluted amazement of life on life’s terms.”  Tweak by by Nic Sheff

I finished reading the book “Tweak” by Nic Sheff.    It was intense to say the least.    It is the story of his life of addiction and recovery.  There were times it was very difficult to read because I “felt” his pain.   I understood his struggles with recovery.  It doesn’t matter what the drug of choice, addiction destroys you from the inside out.  It takes your spirit hostage first and then attacks your mind.  It leaves you with a body that has been taken over by the alien force-addiction.

I am quickly approaching my 26th sober anniversary/birthday.  In recovery, we celebrate our “belly button” birthday as well as celebrating our sober birthday.   I haven’t celebrated the past few years.  I acknowledged it and even wrote about in my blog.   Please understand that I am truly grateful for my sobriety and all it has meant to my life.  I just haven’t celebrated.

A certain sadness comes this time each year.  Birthday and anniversaries bring reminders of the past.  I think about my life before recovery.  We keep the memory “green” to remind us who we used to be.  The promises from the Big Book say, “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.”   We share our stories to keep the memories alive for ourselves and to share with others.  We share not only the story of our addiction but also the story of hope and faith through recovery.

I am also reminded of the people who are no longer here to celebrate my journey.   Before Jan died, she was such a big part of my recovery and celebrating each year.  Her memorial service was held just a couple of days before my anniversary and the two seemed intertwined.   I think about my “Papa” Paul who died just last May.   Stan, Tommy, Mikey, Rachel, JoJo, and more all died sober.   I can’t begin to list those who died because they couldn’t stay clean and sober.

I miss the people who have been through so much with me in this journey and now live so far away.  Donna has been with me for 25 of those years.   Cathy has been there for 22 years.  One is in Vermont and the other in Nevada.   Peggy, Juana, Jack, Dee, Ann, Mary, Jess, Mark and more are all scattered across the country.  I know they will be with me in spirit but I want to hug them, laugh with them, see their eyes…..

I know someone is going to quote the Big Book page 449 so let me do it first.

Acceptance is the answer to ALL of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation- some fact of my life- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept my life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

I write this knowing full well that I need an attitude adjustment.   I decided to write this and share it in spite of that because this is where I am today.   I know what I need to do to get that attitude adjustment.  I need to focus on acceptance.  I need to make a gratitude list.  I need to reach out and do something for someone else.    Thanks for letting me share my thoughts today.  Here is one last quote from Nic’s book:

And though I have done many shameful things, I am not ashamed of who I am. I am not ashamed of who I am because I know who I am. I have tried to rip myself open and expose everything inside – accepting my weaknesses and strengths – not trying to be anyone else. ‘Cause that never works, does it? So my challenge is to be authentic. And I believe I am today. I believe I am.”   ― Nic Sheff, Tweak

Running On Empty

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The other day my friend sent me a picture of her gas gauge with bars showing she had no miles left until empty. We laughed and talked about knowing better.   This morning the gentle dinging sound as I started my car reminded me that I needed gas. I should have stopped last night but it was rainy and I was tired. I looked at my gauge and the needle was teetering close to the little line that says, “you will be sorry if you don’t fill this car up NOW.” Yes, I have run out of gas before and it is not a pleasant experience. Once again, I was running on empty.

I tend to do the same thing in other areas of life.  I stay up too late when I have to get up early.  I don’t eat healthy, nutritious food.  I don’t exercise enough…or I just don’t exercise. I don’t play and have fun.  I isolate and don’t talk about things that concern me.  I spend too much time being negative and worrying.   I don’t take  to journal or write.  I forget about quiet time to meditate and pray.  Eventually my light comes on and I see the signs very clearly.  I am running on empty.

It is time to fill up my tank.  The car is an easy fix.  I just pull into the gas station and fill it up.  Of course, with gas prices these days, it isn’t as easy as it used to be.  Filling up my personal tank can be a challenge, too.  I am working part time and going to college almost full time.  Writing papers, studying, and preparing for class all take a lot of time.  I have to pay bills and do time consuming things like laundry and cleaning.  There are also all the day to day activities that get in the way.

I am exactly like my car.  I have to fill my tank.  I can wait until I am almost on empty and push to see how much  farther  I can go before I breakdown  on the side of the road or I can do the smart thing and refill at any time along the way.   I imagine I am still going to push it from time to time, but I am going to try to do better.  I still have a roadside assistance plan for my car…. just in case.

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Keep It Simple

Scott Peck wrote in the Road Less Traveled, “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”

Life is filled with complicated questions.  “Why?” is the one that comes to mind most often.   I wonder if knowing why something happened would really make it easier.  If I knew why my friend died, would it hurt any less?  Would I  miss her any less?  If I knew why parents and grandparents were the kind of people who would hurt a kid, would it really matter?   Why did I become a drunk? Does it really matter why I gained weight ?   Why did I get sober when others  can’t? Why did I  survive so many obstacles and come out in tact and with my faith when other didn’t ?  I don’t have answers for all those  “why” questions.    “Why”  often seems like searching for a treasure box only to find it empty.

I wonder if my time would be better spent accepting that life is filled with mystery and things we will never understand.  Maybe my friend was right after all.  Whenever something happened that just didn’t make sense she would ask,  “what is the lesson you are supposed to learn from this?”  As much as I loved her, I often wanted to throw something at her when she would ask this.   Here is what I usually seem to learn in those times:  Take the next step, do the next right thing,  love the people in your life, and trust in God (whatever you may call God).

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It’s Just Like Riding A Bike

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I don’t remember learning to ride a bike, but I do know how to ride one. I remember spending a lot of time circling our neighborhood with my friend as a kid. It was a special kind of feeling so be so free flying around on two wheels. I remember the joy in helping my children and grandchildren learn to ride. I watched them experience that first sense of freedom. Throughout my life I have owned bikes from time to time. It is true, you know-you never forgot how to ride a bike. In fact, there is a well-known cliché that says, “It’s just like riding a bike.”

This morning I walked into the office building where I worked until last September. It had been a huge part of my life for a very long time. I am going to be working there again part time. I saw a few old faces as I entered the building. One of the women and I joked about the elevator that seems to have a mind of its own. I made my way to my office area and walked in to a truly familiar setting. Honestly, I have been a little nervous about coming back. I wondered if I would remember everything. I made my way to the desk and logged into the appropriate software for the different systems. I sat back and was ready to go. The Executive Director walked by and said, “It’s so good to see you here again. Sorry I have to run but I have a meeting. Love you.” I laughed as I replied, “Nice to see nothing has changed.” Another coworker arrived and we began chatting about some clients and ways  of dealing with them. We talked about old times and caught up for a bit. There were only a couple of technical things I needed help remembering. It felt good to be back.  It’s just like riding a bike.

In January, I became a freshman at the College of Charleston. I am a bit older than most of the students; actually I am bit older than many of the professors. I haven’t been in a college classroom in over forty years. I took some classes at a technical school years ago, but that was nothing like this. I have had to remember how to read schedules, find classrooms, take notes, study, do homework, write papers, and more. I wondered if I would remember everything. So far I am doing pretty well. I am making much better grades than I did in high school.  It’s just like riding a bike.

In September last year, I became single again. I have had to learn to live single. I am very fortunate to be able to live with my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson so I am not truly alone. There is an old country song, “Sleeping Single in a Double Bed,” and that is a change. I have to think about things like work, car repairs, paying bills, taxes, retirement, and health insurance by myself. I buy groceries for one and I cook for one, that is if I ever cook.  I spend a lot of time with friends and we eat together often.  I wondered if I would remember everything I needed to live single. I am adjusting and finding my way. It’s just like riding a bike.

March is the month of two significant losses in my life. Today is the anniversary of my “other” mother, Mamma Pearl’s death and earlier this month was the anniversary of the death of my best friend. As I look at my life changes I know more will come. I know that close friends and family might move away and some may die. I know there will financial challenges, physical problems, issues with aging, and life challenges. I have faced them all before. I have had some huge obstacles to overcome, but I did. I have a God, friends, and family who never give up on me. I wonder if I can remember everything that has helped me get here when those times come. I think I will. After all, it’s just like riding a bike.

The Sky is Falling

Narrator:   Chicken Little was in the woods one day when an acorn fell on her head.  It scared her so much she trembled all over.  She shook so hard, half her feathers fell out.

Chicken Little:   “Help! Help!  The sky is falling!  I have to go tell the king!”

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I have written about my Grandmother in previous posts.  Her ideas on religion and life in general would give even Freud cause to wonder.  I became her “child” through adoption at age four so her impact on my life was significant.  In fact, it has taken two amazing, determined therapists and many friends to allow me to move past her influence.   Yet, there lies trapped in my brain those tapes and fears that can be triggered without warning.  My rational mind understands the illogical fears that still haunt my “little girl” inside, yet the fears are real.

I have been fighting bronchitis since my Christmas gift of the flu.  One round of antibiotics and prednisone seemed to work but the bronchitis came back full force.  I am now on more antibiotics, double the prednisone, and breathing treatments/inhalers filled with albuterol.  They tell you to rest, yet the medications make sleep improbable if not impossible.  Last night I managed to fall asleep and stay asleep for four hours.  I woke at 3:00am and turned on the TV looking for something to lull me back to sleep.  The story of the Carnival cruise ship stuck at sea for several days captivated me.   I watched the passengers finally disembarking from the ship in Mobile, Alabama as the newscast played “Sweet Home, Alabama.”  Yes, it was corny, but effective.  It made me laugh.

Just as I got comfortable in my fortress of sheets and pillows, the scene switched to breaking news.  I saw what appeared to be a bright light go across the sky.  Perhaps there was a plane crash, I thought.  Then I heard the words, “meteorite hits Russia injuring more than 500 people.”  The picture looked just like something from the sci-fi movies that have become so popular.   I fumbled to find the remote and change the channel as quickly as I could only to find the pictures on the next channel as well.  I quickly turned off the TV and tried to lose the images from my mind.

My Grandmother’s stories of meteors hitting the earth and Russia being the center of all evil came crashing into my mind much like the meteor hitting the earth.   Her interpretation of the book of Revelations may leave Biblical scholars scratching their heads, but as a child, I only knew her words.   She warned of the moon turning red, stars falling from the sky, loud noises, and more as God destroys our evil world.   There was something in the story about good people disappearing into heaven before that, but I knew I was not good enough to be among them.

I decided to turn my mind to more productive thoughts.  Where the h*** were there those radar things?  I mean we watch planes on radar all the time.  We can see tornadoes, hurricanes, and even thunderstorms forming.   Was someone asleep at the big screen at NASA?   Don’t we have plans in place to blow up a bunch of rocks falling from the sky?  Or, I have I just watched Bruce Willis save the world in the movie Armageddon one too many times?  Luke Skywalker or Captain Kirk would be appalled to see this.

This morning I told my daughter about my middle of the night wake experience and before I could say more, she laughed and asked if I saw the meteor news.  She wanted to tell me about the “Left Behind” books and Moscow, and meteors, but I reminded her that I don’t like to talk about those things.    People who know me well know that I don’t like to hear, see, or talk about such things.  Maybe we are facing those end days talked about in Revelation; I don’t know.  I do know that today I can walk outside my house, look at the sky, and know that I have faith in a God who is in control.   I have a mortal body.  One day it will die.   I just hope it isn’t from a cataclysmic event like a meteor falling on me, however.

I have a friend who reads my blog and from time to time will tell me, “I can’t believe you shared that in your blog for everyone to read.”   There seems to be some fear that I may have a future employer reading my blog posts who will quickly file my application away and send off the polite “we will call you if we have anything” letter.  Perhaps some overly cautious suitor will check out my online profile and decide I am far too complicated to pursue. He would be right.   I am willing to take that risk and continue to share my stories.   Humor, sharing my stories, and prayer are the best weapons I have to fight those lingering fears…………. and stray meteors.

Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?

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I walked along the uneven brick sidewalk with the determination of someone who knew exactly where she was going.  Truth is I was watching my steps to be sure I didn’t trip while trying to sneak quick glances at the building’s names.  I was caught up in the sea of students who reminded me of my teenage grandson and his friend.  Huge book bags hung from the backs or shoulders of almost every student. Some walked briskly while others rode skateboards or bikes.  Most walked alone, however some were in groups of two of three.

I spotted the name of the building where I would take my first class.  It had taken a bit longer than I planned but I arrived, found my room and took a seat in the front row.  All of the early arrivals had taken the favored seats along the wall of the back of the room near the window.  I felt every eye in the classroom zero in on the older woman invading their classroom.  After all, college is when you experience life without your parent’s watchful eye.  It is much like allowing a spy into the enemy camp.

I am a non traditional student.  Most friends would confirm that I a non traditional person.  Physically, I am 61 years old but I don’t feel that old, I don’t act that old, and many say I don’t look that old.  I love my computer, laptop, IPad, IPhone, and IPod touch.  I text more than I talk on the phone.  I am up to date on contemporary issues, music, and movies.  Most of my friends are considerably younger than I am. I am physically active and although I am bit slower at times, I can keep up with most of them. I am not trying to ignore the reality of my age, but I choose not to be defined by it.

After only two days of classes I am acutely aware that I have been out of school for a very long time while my fellow classmates are fresh from high school or technical colleges.  My classroom learning was over 40 years ago.  If you’ve ever watched the show, “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader”, you will see adults put to shame by fifth grade students answering basic school questions.   My analytical and critical thinking skills are not quite as sharp as my classmates. Class notes are a long forgotten skill.  My test taking ability will be called into service next week.   It all means I may have to work harder to keep up.

Yet, I am excited to begin this journey.  I love being in the classrooms.  My brain is like a sponge on steroids trying to absorb every moment of this experience.  I had all but given up  hope that this dream would ever become reality.   When my car broke down the day after my first classes, I will admit that I was discouraged.  However, after $1000 in repairs my car is back in service and I was back in class today.  Syllabuses (or syllabi), notebooks, folders, tests, homework, research, and papers are the things that fill my life today.   All I need now is “*faith, and trust, and pixie dust.”  (* Quote by J.M. Barrie in Peter Pan)

Back of A Tow Truck

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There is a curse on the women in my family. My Grandmother told me about it, so it must be true. Every month she would remind me of the dreaded curse of the 11th. “Tomorrow is the 11th. Remember, anything can happen”, she would warn. Her belief was that on the 11th of every month something “big” happens. Occasionally it might be something good, but she made sure I knew that was a rare thing. These big things could be anything from someone dying to a natural disaster. My Grandmother also had some strange ideas about the “rapture” and was sure it would take place on the 11th.

I have come to understand that Grandmother had very unique ideas. Most of them were not based in reality or fact. Her ideas about God and religion were the most bizarre. My friend came up the term, GAG. It means “Gospel According to Grandmother.” If I mention one of Grandmother’s ideas, she will smile and say GAG. Even though I know these ideas are illogical and foolish, I still have those old tapes playing in my head.

Yesterday was January 11th. It was a beautiful day. My friend and I decided to go to lunch at one of our favorite restaurants near the beach. We also decided that since we would be so close to be the beach, it would be a shame not to go for a quick walk. We were minutes away from the beach when I stopped at a red light. I noticed that my car was unusually quiet. I realized the engine had shut off. I turned the key only to hear a whining and popping noise. The car would not start.

I did the usual thing. I waited a minute and tried it again. I did that a couple of times before looking at my friend and agreeing it wasn’t going to start without help. We were in the middle of a busy road and even though my flashers were on, cars came up behind me and started blowing their horns. Even the sound of angry horns did not make my car start. Soon a couple of kind men came and pushed the car to the side street for us.

I made the appropriate calls for emergency roadside assistance. The first rescuer came with jumper cables and attempted to start the car to no avail. He determined that I needed a tow truck. That was a determination I made long before he showed up. I made another call for a tow truck. They told me it would be close to an hour so we decided to walk across the street for some food. The tow truck showed up much sooner than we expected. We asked for our food in to go boxes. We found it very difficult to eat while riding in the cab in of the big tow truck. I imagine it was much like the early settlers riding in covered wagons with the rough ride, bumps, and wind blowing everything around. The truck was not one my friends would have on the “sexy” list. You can read more about that idea here.

 

I remember looking in the mirror and seeing my beautiful little car perched on the bed of the truck much like a sick person lying on a stretcher in an ambulance. I wish we could have ridden inside her but it seems the law doesn’t believe that is safe. As I looked at her, I heard my Grandmother’s words. “It is the 11th of the month. You should have expected something like this.” My mind started to wander.

 

I wondered if this was some message from the universe that I should go out, find a full time job, and give up this silly notion of going back to college. Every time I have thought about returning to school, life has happened. Was this going to be just one more time? I told my friend what was going on in my head. She helps me stay focused on logic and reality. I remembered her sermon last Sunday about life getting in the way when you are doing what you are supposed to do. Anne Lamott says, ““When God is going to do something wonderful, He or She always starts with a hardship; when God is going to do something amazing, He or She starts with an impossibility. ” ― Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith

 

My car is in the shop and I won’t know the exact extent of the repairs needed until then. The suspected diagnosis is a timing belt and water pump with the estimate somewhere around $1000. The dealership did give me a loaner car much to my delight. I looked at the car this morning and found that it is a Dodge Journey. When I saw the name Journey on the back of the car, I smiled and thanked God for reminding me that life really is just a journey. On this journey called life sometimes we walk, sometimes we run, sometimes we fall, and sometimes we ride on the back of a tow truck.

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The Year The World Came To An End

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There was no zombie apocalypse and I didn’t see one rouge asteroid penetrate earth’s atmosphere.   December 21 passed and the world as we know it survived intact.  Last December, I remember hearing the legend of the Mayan prediction of the end.   I jokingly said that if indeed the world would end in a year, I needed to make some serious changes in my life.  Little did I know I was making a prediction that would come true.

The first change I made after the New Year  was to go back to church-again.  I stopped going for several months and missed what I had found there.  Encouragement from the pastor and the warm welcome back by members made it easy to return.  After all when confronted with an end of the world scenario, prayer and faith seem the logical solution.

A lunch meeting with Jan early in year brought an unexpected new friendship.  Our schedules made finding a date a challenge.   We met  along with her daughter Anna and laughed our way through most of lunch.  We became fast friends.  A love of writing was one of many things we found in common.  I have written about this in several blog posts this year.  Jan and her family are now a second family for me and a gift from 2012 for which I am truly grateful.

My diet and exercise programs needed a serious boost.  I walked past the karate studio near my office many times and decided to finally check it out.  In February, I started training and I am now a blue belt.   I finally hit my goal of losing 100 pounds as the year went on.  If the world was going to end, I wanted to be healthy and strong enough to fight and make a run for it if possible.  After all, every end of the world movie has people survive who can run, jump, fight and look amazing doing it.

I love to write and wanted to find ways to improve.  I  decided to make a move from Blogger to WordPress for my blog and made it public.  I found some great challenges during the year and my blog followers and views  increased dramatically.  Connections with many new writers during the year were an added benefit.  I  attended a Writer’s workshop at Montreat in the spring and renewed my commitment to writing on a regular basis.   This fall my friend Jan and I went to Atlanta to see my favorite author Anne Lamott.  She offers great advice and encouragement for writers.

Things at home (my marriage) had been declining for some time but I made the decision to stay and do what I could.  My job was stressful but I loved my work.   Friends, family,  and writing kept me going.  However, things changed quickly in the summer.   The job I loved fell apart and I made one of the most difficult decisions I have had to make in a very long time.  After much prayer, talking with my therapist and consulting close friends, I choose to leave my job without another job in site.  I know in my heart it was the right decision.   Within weeks of leaving my job, I made another hard choice.  I left my marriage of five years.

While the world didn’t end in December, the world as I knew it ended in 2012.  2013 is a mystery.  I registered for college and will sign up for my classes on Jan. 10th.  I have no idea how that is going to work.  I am 61 and haven’t been in school for over 40 years.  I need to find a way to support myself and get health insurance without working full time and going to school.  I work only 17 hours a week and pay almost my entire income to cover COBRA for health insurance.   I fight the demons of feeling alone at times and feeling like a failure at others.  I know there are people in my world who think I have taken a walk into insanity.  There are moments when I feel very lost and unsure of what is happening.   Some days I wake up, get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other, and see where life leads me.

Yet, for the most part, I feel happy.  I have a sense that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  I have two amazing grown children who encourage me and support me.   Jan and Anna make me laugh, let me cry, push me, and just let me be me.  I have other friends who believe in me as well.   And, in the middle of all of this, I pray and I trust God.

A blog challenge for 2013 is find one word to focus on through the coming year and incorporate that into your writing.  I have several words that seem appropriate but the one word that keeps coming through is trust. It isn’t something that comes naturally for me.  I learned a tremendous amount about trust in 2012; some of it bad and much of it good.  I am going to embrace the challenge and put trust into my daily life- trust in God, my friends, my family and in myself.   I survived end of the world in 2012 so welcome 2013. Let’s see what you have in store!

Happy New Year!!

Something I Have To Share

431136_3767625948262_192232921_nI reach out my hands because I have been there.

I haven’t written a blog post since last week.   I started writing several times only to discard it.  No words seemed right after the events of last week.    I will say that my heart breaks for the families, friends, and community of Newtown.    I decided to wait until closer to Christmas and share some of the joys of the season and to share the lessons and treasures of this past year.

However, something happened today that made me change my mind.  This afternoon I saw a facebook message from a friend offering her prayers and condolences to the mother of a 15-year-old young man.  As I read the posts of the past day, I realized the young man was only a couple of weeks older than my grandson.  I didn’t know him but he was part of the group of boys that grew up in scouting in our community.  I looked at his picture as I read the words from his mother, “The autopsy reports it was an apparent suicide by hanging.  No one noticed any signs of depression.  It was such a shock to us all.”

I am writing this post because I was once in a place of such darkness, pain, anger, fear, and loneliness that I tried to take my life.  I was helpless and hopeless.   I couldn’t see a way that my life would ever be anything different.  When you are that depressed the world disappears and makes no sense.  It is if you are in a bubble and no one can see you or hear you.

I made one last phone call that night to a friend.

She said, “I can’t do this.  I can’t go down this road with you anymore.  I love you, but I will not go any further with you unless you get help.”

She gave me the phone number to the crisis hotline and begged me to call them.  The one person I thought would care turned her back on me.   After taking more pills and downing another half bottle of Southern Comfort, I picked up the phone and called.   The woman on the phone that night saved my life.

Things didn’t get better overnight.  I became part of a twelve step program.  I got therapy.  I eventually started on medication.  I learned to let people into my life and talk when I was angry, scared or lonely.  I made a mess of things from time to time, but I learned how to clean up my messes and not make the same mistakes again.

That was almost 26 years ago.  Life still has ups and downs.  Life still gets messy from time to time.  Life still hurts more that I can bear sometimes, but I know what to do.  I have repaired relationships with family and have better relationships than I ever imagined possible.  I have friends that I love and cherish.  I have support any time I need it.  Oh, that friend who “turned her back on me” that night is still my friend and I thank her from time to time for the gift she gave me.

If you are reading this and you have thoughts of suicide or you struggle with depression, anxiety, loneliness, etc.(or you know someone who does)  PLEASE reach out to someone.  I know it is hard.  I understand it is one of the most difficult things in the world to do.  I realize the phone weights two tons when you think of calling someone.  I know that you believe in your heart and soul that no one will care or understand.

Just hear me when I tell you that there is hope.  Even if you don’t believe me, do it anyway.    There is help.  Call a family member; Call a friend; Call your pastor or member from whatever faith group works for you; Call a doctor or therapist;  or

Call the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine  1-800-273-TALK(8255)  They also have chat available.  Veterans call and press #1                                          http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Call Kristen Brooks Hope Center   (800)442-4673 …..1-800-442-HOPE    http://www.hopeline.com/

Online Chat support from To Write Love on Her Arms…   www.IMALIVE.org   The first online network with 100% of its volunteers trained and certified in crisis intervention.

The truth is, just talking to someone, explaining, sharing, venting, being listened to, can often give you a temporary reprieve.  Talking to someone can temporarily change your perspective – Human contact changes the brain chemistry & opens that emotion “pod” of pent up emotions for temporary relief – and it may not be what they say, but just the exchange of emotions like empathy, compassion, & concern.

Will they cure you – no.  Will they take the pain away? Maybe ease it for a little while.

Even if you know you may be upset or suicidal again soon, just give it a try.

Even though non-depressive humans won’t really know exactly how you feel — Let them try to help the best they can.   Talk to them, let them listen.  Most of them are not even getting paid. The only reason they are there is for you.  They may not always say the exact right thing, but they are hoping that somehow they can help you make it through a difficult time, to live & fight another day.    

Taken from  http://suicide.com/suicidecrisiscenter/whycall.html