Time to Take a Stand

In 1994, Congress passed the Violence Against Women’s Act. (VAWA) You can find information about the VAWA online if you want to know more about it. Here is one such document. Basically the act provided $1.6 billion to offer community based responses, investigation and prosecution of violent crimes against women, allowed civil suits if prosecutors failed to prosecute a case,and established the Office of Violence Against Women.

It was reauthorized in 2000 and in 2005 with some expansion each time. Statistics show that there has been a marked decrease in the rate of intimate partner violence and deaths. More cases are being reported and more victims are being supported in recovery. All states now have laws in place to provide for warrantless arrests,  “rape shield laws”,  laws concerning date rape, and stalking. This act has had a major impact on changing the way violence against women is viewed and handled. In 2011, Congress failed to reauthorize the act.

Here are the reasons the House Republicans oppose the re-authorization of the act.

1. The act gives limited powers to tribal authorities to prosecute non-Indians accused of assaulting their Indian partners on tribal lands. Currently, non-Indians who batter their spouses often go unpunished because federal authorities don’t have the resources to pursue misdemeanors committed on reservations. **39% of Native American and Native Alaskan women will be abused physically or sexually in their lifetime. Most abusers go prosecuted.
2. The act would extend the definition of violence against women to include stalking. **Many states have established laws for stalking, but this would now be included in the VAWA definition . Republicans say this “dilutes” the definition. Really?
3. It would also allow some battered illegal immigrants to claim temporary visas. **It seems this provision is being dropped by Democrats in an attempt to appease the Republicans so this act can pass.
4. It would include same-sex couples in programs for domestic violence. **Again Republicans say this will “dilute” the focus on domestic violence. I think not passing this act dilutes our ability to protect all victims of domestic violence, but that is just my humble opinion.

Some have gone so far as to imply that the money used for rape crisis centers and domestic abuse hotlines, etc. is really going to support feminist programs. They say this act increases divorce, causes marriages to break up and is set up to cause the hatred of men. If a woman is in a violent marriage then the marriage should break up and divorce is a viable solution. I don’t hate all men. I dont’ hate men at all,  although I will admit I don’t always understand them. I just hate the violence inflicted on women by men.

And, before you go postal and scream that women can perpetrate violence against men, I will concede that you are correct. Men typically have access to more resources to leave and the ability to protect themselves. I dont’ want that debate to get in the way of why we don’t have a VAWA in place after documented evidence that the act saves lives. Also, part of the reason the Republicans are opposing the act is the language inferring that men could be recipients of help from this act. Oh my, that would be just dreadful.

This is my view and my opinion. All I am asking is that you look at the facts. Do some research. Get involved. If you find that the VAWA is valid, and saves lives, and helps your community, your city, your state, and your country, then PLEASE do something about it. Write your congressman/congresswoman. Call them, email them. Do something. Don’t just sit back and say, “All this violence a bad thing.”

We often stand in horror and disgust as we hear stories from other countries of women being mutilated, tortured, and baby girls being killed because baby boys are the only ones of value. Slavery was abolished in our country a long time ago, yet girls are sold into slavery around the world every day. We ask how these other countries can allow such atrocities to occur. Yet, we stand by while our politicians squabble over language in an act that prevents death and violence in our own country.

I am a Christian. Yes, a church attending, praying, Bible reading Christian. I stop just short of wearing the WWJD bracelet. Jesus showed us the way to treat other human beings and that included the women in his life. I dare you to read Luke and not come away seeing Jesus treat women with respect, caring, and love. WWJD-What Would Jesus Do?  I will let you answer that question for yourself. For those of other faiths reading this blog, I challenge you to look into your own beliefs and find answers about these issues.

I don’t believe we can be rid of all violence in our world.  I am not a Pollyanna.  I do believe we can effect change.  We see evidence of that all around us.  I don’t believe the VAWA is going to rid our society of domestic abuse, violence, or rape.  I do believe this act can make a difference.  Yes, I was once a women who lived with abuse.  I lived with child abuse in many forms as a child and as a woman I lived with abuse in my marriage.  I found help and a way to live my life free of violence.  I hope this act will be reauthorized and other women find help as well.

“Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day.” Sally Koch

And A Little Child Will Lead Them

Isaiah 11:16  The wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat, the calf and the lion and the yearling together; and a little child will lead them.

At the age of 11/12, a young girl named Malala  Yousafzai wrote a blog detailing her life under Taliban rule and her views on education for girls.  That summer a documentary featured her and her fight for education for girls.  Suddenly people around the world were listening to a little girl.  She gave interviews in print and on television.  She has since been nominated for the International Children’s Peace Prize by Desmond Tutu and has won Pakistan’s first National Youth Peace Prize. A number of prominent individuals, including the Canadian Minister of Citizenship, are supporting a petition to nominate her for the Nobel Peace Prize.

In 2009, the Taliban issued an edict that girls could not attend schools.  They began to destroy the Girl’s schools while leaving the Boy’s school standing.   Malala had been studying for exams and wrote about her fear and concern that she would not be able to take her exams.  On Oct.9th, her bus was pulled over by terrorists and she and her friend were shot.  She is recovering, but threats against her and her father have continued.  Her passion and words have made even the Taliban stop and pay attention.  The world has rallied around a young girl who was willing to share her”voice”.

A friend shared the link for the petition for the Nobel Peace Prize on her facebook page as part of the 30 Days of Gratitude challenge. She shared gratitude for her education.  As women, we often take our freedom to pursue education for granted.  Basic education provides girls and women with an understanding of basic health, nutrition, and family planning, giving them choices and the power to make decisions over their own lives and bodies. Women’s education leads directly to better reproductive health, improved family health, economic growth, for the family and for society, as well as lower rates of child mortality and malnutrition. It is also key in the fight against the spread of HIV & AIDS*.  (*Right to Education Project report)

Many countries  still see women as property or less than human.  Gender based abortions, trafficking of women, mutilation of girls, and lack of protection under law for rape and violence against women are issues around the world. Women in the United States fare better than in much of the world, yet women weren’t allowed equal protection under the law in the US until 1964.   In 2010 women who worked full-time, year round, still only earned 77 percent of what men earned.  In our recent election process we heard several politicians make comments showing their lack of understanding and disrespect of women.

I have a very vivid imagination.  My friends know, understand, and accept this.  I still have a rather childlike, naive belief that each of us can effect change.  I didn’t find my “voice” until I was in my late 30′s and I have taken baby steps in using it.  I started out whispering and I am now working on learning to shout.  I know my words won’t change the world, but what if it makes just a few of you think and question.  We will not always agree but we can be open to hear other ideas and concerns.

Malala lives in a world that  is filled with violence and retribution.  She sp0ke out and shared her voice in spite of that.  A young girl spoke out and the world heard her.    I want to follow her example.  I intend to use my “voice” and speak out, share my concerns, and take action where I can.   I pray for Malala and her family.  I pray for her safety and return to full health.  I pray that her voice will not be silenced.

This blog post is part of NaBloPoMo.  The theme for November’s NaBloPoMo is blogging for blogging’s sake.

Will the Real Cathy Please Stand Up?

Last fall our local SPCA offered free adoptions for any cats over 3 years old.  The shelter was housing too many animals and they needed to find a way to encourage people to adopt.  The ad on their facebook page was the small incentive I needed to head over and check out the cats.

The shelter was filled with people in varying stages of becoming adoptive parents for a new pet. I was excited to find the cage with a beautiful Persian cat I saw listed on the website.  A technician led me to my potential pet explaining a problem they encountered with her.  She had been returned after an adoption with an infection in her paws where she had been declawed.  They didn’t think she would ready for adoption for a while.

Disappointed I began to wander the cat area until I saw a beautiful black cat with the biggest green eyes.  I knew this was going to be my cat.  As they took him out of the cage and handed him to me, I felt the tension in his body.  It wasn’t long before he relaxed and began to purr as he curled into a ball on my lap.

His paperwork completed, we began our trip to his new home.  I loved everything about him except his name-Johnny.  That just isn’t a good cat name.  I was hoping to name him something like Chewbacka or Dooley.  I wanted something with character; not just Johnny.   I thought for a time about changing his name, but decided he was going through enough trauma without trying to take away something that might create more confusion.  I comforted myself by saying he was named after my fantasy man, Johnny Depp.

I wrote about my daughter organizing  old pictures and papers for me in a post.  As I came downstairs yesterday, she told me she found something in the paperwork.

“Mom, I found your old shot records.  They have your real name on them.”

She knew the story my mother told me a few years ago about my real name.  She told me that when my grandmother adopted me when I was 4, she changed my named to Catherine.  My name was Carol Lynn and they called me Lynn until that time.   There were comments by others, pictures, and a note that led to some confusion about her story.  I wanted to get a copy of my original birth certificate but with adoptions that is a long and arduous task.

“Mom, here are the records.  Your name was Carolyn Ann.”

There it was in black and white.  I looked at it, touched it, and felt an odd connection to the words on the paper.  This was my name on paper.  I was Carolyn Ann, nick named Lynn.  I felt as though I found a piece of me that had been stolen so many years before.  My family has many secrets and lies are more common than the truth.  My birth certificate is one created after the adoption.  It shows my name as Catherine Ann, born in Charleston, SC.  I was actually born in the Philadelphia Naval Hospital.

I wonder if anyone thought about a little 4 year old girl and the trauma she was facing.  My mother left to protect my brother and I and try to give us a better life.  My father was taken from my life at time as well.   My brother was sent to live with other grandparents many states away.   I wonder why it was so important to take away my name and my identity when I needed it most.   I wonder why no one was as concerned about me as I was for a lonely, black cat named Johnny.

This blog post is part of NaBloPoMo.  The theme for November’s NaBloPoMo is blogging for blogging’s sake.

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month

I wrote a post about my one of my experiences with Domestic Violence several months ago.  I thought it would be appropriate to share it again.  Here it is.   Walking Down Another Street.

What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.

Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can happen to couples who are married, living together or who are dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.

You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:

• Calls you names, insults you or continually criticizes you.
• Does not trust you and acts jealous or possessive.
• Tries to isolate you from family or friends.
• Monitors where you go, who you call and who you spend time with.
• Does not want you to work.
• Controls finances or refuses to share money.
• Punishes you by withholding affection.
• Expects you to ask permission.
• Threatens to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets.
• Humiliates you in any way.

You may be in a physically abusive relationship if your partner has ever:

• Damaged property when angry (thrown objects, punched walls, kicked doors, etc.).
• Pushed, slapped, bitten, kicked or choked you.
• Abandoned you in a dangerous or unfamiliar place.
• Scared you by driving recklessly.
• Used a weapon to threaten or hurt you.
• Forced you to leave your home.
• Trapped you in your home or kept you from leaving.
• Prevented you from calling police or seeking medical attention.
• Hurt your children.
• Used physical force in sexual situations.

You may be in a sexually abusive relationship if your partner:

• Views women as objects and believes in rigid gender roles.
• Accuses you of cheating or is often jealous of your outside relationships.
• Wants you to dress in a sexual way.
• Insults you in sexual ways or calls you sexual names.
• Has ever forced or manipulated you into to having sex or performing sexual acts.
• Held you down during sex.
• Demanded sex when you were sick, tired or after beating you.
• Hurt you with weapons or objects during sex.
• Involved other people in sexual activities with you.
• Ignored your feelings regarding sex.

If you answered ‘yes’ to these questions you may be in an abusive relationship; please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) or your local domestic violence center to talk with someone about it.

A Victim’s Choice

One of the things I love about the Olympics is hearing the incredible stories of some of the athlete’s lives.  I have been following the story of Kayla Harrison, who just won the Olympic gold medal for Judo.   Here is a small piece of her story.

Yet winning gold has not been the most difficult challenge of Harrison’s life. When she arrived at Pedro’s training center in 2007, she was an emotionally devastated 16-year-old who had suffered years of sexual abuse by a former coach. She lacked self-esteem, had suicidal thoughts, and hated judo because the sport’s small community whispered about the abuse.

Like many survivors of sexual and physical abuse, she found someone to trust and help her heal from the abuse. She found a champion to help her fight.  Then she found the courage to share her story. In the article she says, “I wanted to tell my story and I wanted to get it out to victims all over the world,” said Harrison, originally from Middletown, Ohio, who first discussed her sexual abuse publicly last fall. “I wanted people to know it was OK. It was definitely therapeutic. The first time I told the story I cried the whole time. It got a little bit easier every time.”

 Social media and the press have shared her story since the Olympics began.  Someone made this comment on a site yesterday, “The key word here is: SURVIVOR… She chose to NOT be a VICTIM!”  I often hear this type of statement when someone shares a story of healing.   It is a statement that while I believe to hold truth, is also a statement of condemnation for someone still struggling with their life.

I had my choices taken away from me the first time someone sexually abused me as a young child.  I had no choice when an adult hit, slapped, or threw me down as a little girl. As the abuse continued, my choices disappeared.  When I was an adult, I only knew what I learned as a child.  I had no defenders.  Those who might have made a difference, made their own choice not to interfere.  I did not CHOOSE to be a victim.  That was a CHOISE someone else made for me as a very little, scared, helpless child.

I didn’t wake up one morning and say, “I think I will be done with this crap and be a survivor.”  Like Kayla, someone came into my life and helped me find a way to heal.  Yes, I had to make the choice to do the work. I had to find the courage to tell my story.  When I was an older child, I tried to tell someone but they didn’t (or chose not to) hear.  The biggest fear is sharing my story is the fear of not being believed.

Today I am a “thriver.”   I am also a victim of childhood sexual, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual abuse.  For me to say, I am not a victim, is to deny what happened to me. I survived.  Surviving means I lived through it and continued to exist; just exist.  Then someone reached out, believed me, saw my pain, and helped me tell my story.  I became a “thriver”.  I started to flourish and grow.  I found support and I found a way to reach out and support others in their journey.

This is my truth and this is how it works for me. If you are finding your way or have already become a “thriver”, find what works for you.   Most of us will never win an Olympic gold medal, but we can fight to reclaim our right to choices.  Today I have the choice to live my life as a “thriver.”

“We can’t control what happened, we can’t control what has been lost. What we can control is how we fight to take that control back, and the voice within us is powerful in doing so….”      Cathy Gipson

Letter Challenge-Dear Parents

Day 3 of the Thirty Day Letter Challenge suggests a letter to “to Parents.”  I asked the question, “which parents?”  My parents split when I was four and I was adopted by grandparents.  I decided to write to my biological parents.  My father died about 14 years ago and my mother died in 2008.   I actually liked them better than my grandparent-parents.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Parents,

I guess you wonder why I addressed this letter to “Dear Parents” instead of “Dear Mom and Dad.”  I never called you Mom or Dad after I was four years old. I avoided calling you anything on the rare occasion that I did see you.  I referred to you as my “real” mother or father when I was older. .   I wasn’t suppose to talk about you to other people. As an adult I referred to you by your first names.  So, for the sake of clarity I will do that here.

I didn’t see either of you very often growing up.  You both had your own lives.  Claudia, you moved back in with us for a short time, but then you left for Chicago and then California.  I didn’t see you at all from the time I was seven until I was 16.  Joe, you moved all over with your wife and five kids.  You visited me from time to time, but it was so random. 

I don’t see the point in rehashing all the old traumas.  You know your own parts and secrets of my life.  In spite of everything that happened,  I still dreamed about you both.  I wanted my Mommy and Daddy and I wanted you to be the “Father Knows Best” parents.  I wanted you to show up and rescue me from my nightmare existence.  Claudia, I know you knew the life I was living.  You knew the people who allowed to be my caretakers.  Joe, you may not have known them as well, but you did know your parents.  You gave my brother to them.   It might have been better if you had given us to strangers.

I had to let go of my anger.  I don’t hate either of you.   “New age” theory says we pick our parents before our soul comes to live in this human form.  If that is true, I wish I knew why I picked you.  Maybe someday it will become clear.  I don’t know.    I only wish there had been more time to get to know you and look into your hearts. 

Cathy  AKA Carol “Lynn” 

South Carolina Governor Stikes Again

Just last month Haley vetoed a bill that would give parents information on the side effects of HPV and how the vaccine could help.  Haley goes a step further this week vetoing half a million dollars slated for domestic violence and sexual assault prevention. You know, because that market is already just flooding with resources.

Haley explained these vetoes in the Department of Health and Environmental Control budget by writing, “Each of these lines attempts to serve a portion of our population for which we extend our sympathy and encouragement, but nevertheless, it is only a small portion of South Carolina’s chronically ill or abused. Overall, these special add-on lines distract from the agency’s broader mission of protecting South Carolina’s public health.”

Mind you, Gov. Haley is the same women who told the ladies of “The View,” while speaking about her opposition to health care reform, that “Women don’t care about contraception.” Yeah, she said that.

According to a statement from the South Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence And Assault, the vetoed funding is 37 percent of the budget for rape crisis centers in the state. In 2011, 15 sexual assault programs provided services — a 24-hour hotline, accompaniment to a hospital for a rape kit, counseling — to over 5,000 individuals. Prevention services included education for 50,000 youngsters from elementary school to college.

I hope the House will overturn these vetoes when they return to session.  More importantly I want to ask all of you to remember to vote. Women and other minorities are able to vote because of the sacrifices of many people who came before us. People voted to make Nikki Haley Governor of South Carolina.  Or did all the people who stayed home on election day make her Governor?  Something to think about,  isn’t it?

Five Fabulous Things-Fabulous Blog Ribbon

I am honored to have been chosen as a recipient of the Fabulous Blog Ribbon bestowed upon me by fellow Ultimate Blog Challenge blogger Miss
Riki, creator of Refreshingly Riki. She chose Cathys Voice Now as one of five blogs to honor, and I am thrilled! This award has rules I need to post and follow.

Rules for the Fabulous Blog Award:

1. Thank the blogger who gave it to you and share the link back to the awarding blog.

2. Name 5 fabulous moments in your life.

3. Name 5 things that you love.

4. Name 5 things you hate.

5. Pass the award to 5 deserving bloggers.

5 fabulous moments in my life

1. and 2.  I have to say that the birth of my son Teddy and my daughter Lory were the two most fabulous moments.  They were both born healthy and came with all the proper parts.  Teddy was a sweet, happy baby who slept through the night at six weeks.  He was always happy.  Lory came into the world tell everyone what she wanted and was determined to get it.  She was the cutest thing you ever saw.  Nothing could eve compare to those two moments.

3. and 4. and 5.  This was far too easy.  Grand kids Austin, Sarah, and Nathaniel’s births were the next fabulous moments.    Austin was my first and I lived in the house him when he was born.  Sarah was my first (and only granddaughter).  Almost twelve years later Nathaniel made his entrance.  These were truly fabulous moments.

5 things that you love

1.  You might guess that family is number for me.  Well, my kids and grand kids make up most of my family.  I do have some siblings and they are important as well, but I don’t get to see them often.

2.  Spending time playing, talking, sharing with close friends comes in a close second.   I grew up not having many close friendships, but later in life I discovered the incredible joy they can bring to life.

3.  I love writing as much as love any other activity I can imagine.  Writing gives me a way to work through my emotions, cares and concerns.  It is allows me to share thoughts and experiences with others.   I can make sense of this life with writing.

4. Music is something that can take to me a place of the most joy I can imagine or allow me touch a place of vulnerability.  Music helps me relax, sleep, laugh, play and touch my soul.

5.  I love having faith in a God that loves me unconditionally even when I have no clue what I am doing. A fellow blogger shared this name she has for God-”The Lord of the Five-Millionth Chance Who Never Gives Up On You Even Though You Are Beyond Ridiculous.”  This is what I love.

5 things you hate

1.  I hate vegetables or at least most of them.   I only eat green beans, corn, and any kind of bean. Eating a healthy diet is a challenge with type of hate.  I do have food issues because of some things that occurred in my childhood.  It isn’t that I just don’t like the taste.  I may share that story with you, but not today.  A friend once said that the only green things I eat are green beans and green icing on St. Patrick’s Day.

2.  I hate the I treat myself at times.  I doubt myself, question myself, put myself down, and isolate from people who care about me.  I am working very hard to change those behaviors.  It is much better than it used to be and I think I get stronger all the time.

3.  I hate to see my friends or family hurting.   When someone I care about is in trouble, pain, fear, or anything else that causes them to hurt,  I just want to take it away.  I know I can’t always do that and I I even know it might not be in their best interest to do that. I hate it none the less.

4.  I hate seeing children or animals being hurt.  I feel such intense anger and pain when I read, see, or hear about anyone doing anything to those who don’t have the power to stop them.

5.  Loss is one of the things I hate most.  Grief is one of the most difficult things I ever have to deal with.  Loss involves more than just losing someone by death.  Losing jobs, health, a home, or anything that is important in life causing grief.  It is the cause of most of the fear and pain in y life.

Pass the award to 5 deserving bloggers

These are five bloggers that I love to read and always find something of value in their posts.

1.  Even A Girl Like Me created by Joy Cannis

2.  SimplyJan created by Jan Roberts Culpepper

3.  Ted the Third created by Ted Atchley

4.  Abby Gabbs created by Abby Chamberlain

5. Tamara Out Loud created by Tamara Lunardo

 

Thank you again Miss Riki for this award and I hope my fellow bloggers enjoy this as much as I did.

 

 

Painfully Labeled

I follow a group called “People of the Second Change.”  It is a global community of activists, imperfectionists and 2nd chancers committed to unleashing radical grace every day, in every moment, for everyone. The message the past few days has been about labels.  Here is a small piece from today.

Labels are a violation.

 Somewhere, sometime, someone spoke words over you, and their lies and violation cut deep. You believed them, and became painfully labeled and shamed.

 Today, it’s time to identify the label maker, the person who we allowed to label us. We are going to stare down that shame until it dissolves into the nothing it is… no label stands a chance in the light of our worth.

 We are going to put a name to the wound… we can’t truly heal till we know why it’s there in the first place. Who said it? Who put the label there? Was it once? Over and over again? Either way, it was carved into us. We are going to choose to be free from the lie of the toxic label, we are going to choose truth.

 I work  with a great life coach, Kathy Murphy PhD and she helped me see that I have continued to believe the lies about myself.  I needed to find and live my life from the truth.  It is a message I am hearing over and over in my life.

As I child I lived with the labels fat, under-achiever, bad, stupid, scaredy cat, ugly, dummy, and crazy.  Some were labels from other kids while the adults in my life used some of them as well.  I breathed them in and they became my identity.

As a young wife and mother, I heard the labels stupid, just a woman, lazy, dumb, failure, ignorant, frigid, worthless, and more. I added them to the list of who I was.  As I started to change some of the labels changed.  Some of the labels held some truth-drunk, alcoholic, druggie, and others that aren’t appropriate for this blog.    Interestingly enough, even after I got sober and started a new way of life some of those labels followed me.

As I began to find my courage and my voice, I chose new labels for myself.  I became a feminist, courageous, understanding, compassionate, writer, friend, good mother and grandmother, seeker,and wise woman.  Some people question those labels.   I question them myself as much as others do some days. I surround myself with people who will encourage and nurture my truth.    As I grow stronger, the old labels become fragmented and weak.  My truth pushes them aside and takes their place.   The wounds heal, but the scars always remain.

Do you label others before you know their truth?  What labels do you still carry with you?   What has helped you overcome your labels?

Circle of Trust

In the movie, Meet the Parents, the main character’s soon to be father in law tells him about the “circle of trust”.

“But the fact is, Greg, with the knowledge you’ve been given, you are now on the inside of what I like to call…the Byrnes family circle of trust. I keep nothing from you, you keep nothing from me..”

My “circle of trust”  is a very small circle and difficult to penetrate.  Once you are in, it is much easier to get out than it did to get in.   My circle is more like a fortress than a simple circle.  It comes complete with high walls, a moat, and ferocious monsters living in the water surrounding it.  There is a larger circle surrounding the fortress that I would describe as a type of purgatory.  You enter that circle and wait until I open the drawbridge to the let you into the “circle of trust”.  It is a system that has served me well in my life.  Obviously I have some life experiences that  caused me to implement this system.

The statement in the movie says that people in the “circle of trust” keep nothing from each other.  Most people think that means sharing our biggest secrets with those in the circle.  While that is something that happens in time, I think it means much more.  For me it means being able to tell the truth to each other.  If one of us is having a bad day, we can say it.  We ask each other for help.  We can share something exciting or scary or boring.  We can even say I need some space and want to chill.   We can call each other on things in a kind, loving way. We also remember that all of us are human and we are going to make mistakes.  We forgive in love.  It means that we want the best for each other-always.

Once in a while someone will make it into the circle before they had earned that right.  When that happens, I question my judgement and wonder why I would let the drawbridge down so easily putting all of us in the circle at risk.  I wonder what magic charm they used to confuse me.  I begin to doubt myself and everyone in the circle.

I am in long term recovery and have learned many things over the years.  In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous  Step Eleven says, “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him……”  If you  work the program and do this it says” We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.”

This week, someone I allowed into my outer circle long before their time broke the trust.   It confused me and I started to doubt. When this has happened before, I have tried to make excuses, close my eyes, and ignore the intuition. I didn’t want to believe I had fallen prey to someone’s games.  I blamed myself for their choices and actions.  I chose not to do that this time.  I listened to my gut, intuition, and logic.   I talked to a “circle” friend and decided  to send this person away from my circle.  I didn’t offer an explanation or make excuses.  I decided to protect myself and my circle.

There was a time in my life I chose to close the circle to everyone.  I stood alone and I was alone indeed.  It was a dark time in my life.  One person helped me open my circle again and begin to fill it.  My circle is not large but it is impressive.  In fact there are less than a dozen.   It includes a couple of members of my family and men and women of various ages.  That outer circle is larger but I still am cautious and protective of those in that circle as well.

Please don’t read this and ask me if you are in the “circle of trust”.  You already know.  I am grateful for each of you and I love you all.  I promise to keep you close to my heart and keep “nothing from you.”

“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship”….Ralph Waldo Emerson