I loaded the car with several heavy super force-flex trash bags. They were each packed with a variety of clothing I had been sorting for days. Some things were too big for me to wear since losing weight. They were the easy decisions. I argued with myself over most of the other items.
I held up a T shirt I had never worn. I bought it two years ago at an event.
“You really need to keep this one. That was from a great hockey game for the fireman.” I barely remember the game and only remembered which county the firemen were from because the T-shirt had it printed on the back.
“But the T-shirt is white and not very pretty. You only bought it because you always buy T-shirts at events. You haven’t worn it because you don’t really like it. “ The logical side of my mind took a turn at the argument.
This discussion took place many times. I would struggle as I placed each item of clothing in the bag. I had some other miscellaneous items from the house I went through as well, each with a new argument. These were my things. I like my things. I didn’t want to give up my things. But, I am moving soon and won’t have the space to keep all of it.
I have made the trip to Goodwill many times over the years, but this trip with those big bags in the car was different. As I got closer to the store, I could feel the tears building. I wanted to fight them back, but they seemed to break the imaginary barrier I had in place. I knew this was only the beginning of letting go.
I am letting go of a marriage than isn’t working and is taking my peace and serenity. It means letting go of a lot of comforts and “things’. I will be moving from a three bedroom house into a bedroom. I have to decide what is really important and what I can let go.
I recently let go of a job that did not work in my life any longer. It meant letting go of work friends, networking, and parts of a twelve year career that I loved. I fought to hold on for a long time. Once I left, I knew it was the right decision.
As I unload the bags and drove away from the Goodwill, I fought back the tears one more time. I am sure I won’t miss most of the clothing and items I left there that day. I am trying to understand that I am making the choice to let go and not feel as if these things are being taken from me.
I read the quote from the picture today. “Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks on it.” I smiled because I understood that statement so well. I have gone so far as to hold on and go back to sharpen my claws for a better hold. Once I truly let go I wonder why I fought so hard to hold on to something that no longer served me.
I am going to try letting go with my hands and arms wide open for the next few weeks. I am going to trust that letting go means opening the way for new things to fill those spaces. I am sure there will be still be a sense of loss and some grieving, but I know that will be eventually bring healing. If you should see me with my claws out, please remind me to pull them in and let go.