I have a secret to tell you. It will come as a surprise to most of you, although a few who know me will have discovered it. Shhh, please don’t tell anyone. I work very hard to keep it hidden from the world. In spite of appearing strong, it is a source of weakness. I have fought a battle or two in my life and once the enemy found the place of vulnerability, I nearly didn’t survive.
Everyone has a bit of insecurity in life, but I have abundance. Yes, I am insecure. It has been part of life since I was very young. It’s something I have worked to change. I hear the questions before you ask them.
I have a job that requires talking to people one on one, speaking to large groups of people, and teaching. I work with people in poverty and those in crisis. I also work with CEO’s from top companies in our community. I am well-known and respected in my profession. Being insecure means that I question everything I say and do in my work. I imagine people talking about my ridiculous comments. I am sure people are asking why they chose me to make that presentation. I write and rewrite emails and letters, etc. I am convinced that in time people will realize I am not smart enough to do this job. If I make a mistake, it is because I am just not good enough.
I have many people in my life. Only a few really know me. The rest know the actress. She is the one that smiles, makes jokes, never speaks her mind, agree with everything you say, lets people push her around, and is just the perfect good girl for the world. If she sends you an email and you don’t answer right away, she is sure you are mad at her. If you are in a bad mood, it is surely her fault. She is a people pleaser. She keeps you from knowing the real me.
There are many reasons for my insecurity. I shared them in other blogs. I wasn’t born insecure. People in my life took away my security. I will share one more secret with you. Those few people who really know me; they are the ones helping me find it again. Things are changing. I am exchanging the lies others told me for truth. I am being more courageous in letting others see me. I am speaking (or blogging) my mind. I am learning to stand up for myself and others. I even believe that God loves me because I am uniquely me.
Once that happens some of you may not like me quite as much. Then again, the person you liked didn’t really exist, did she?
“We begin to find and become ourselves when we notice how we are already found, already truly, entirely, wildly, messily, marvelously who we were born to be.”
― Anne Lamott